"I would rather participate in life than write a hundred stories." ~Thomas Mann
I hate to do shooting more and more now...
well...for events that is...
but cause ppl know that u know a bit about video shooting...
will push you to do it everytime...
and the most recent one is my aunt's funeral...hate it hate it....!!!!!
i already told my mom many times that i don't want to do it...
cause it is very weird to me...
having to shoot a dead person...and esp. one of my own relatives...
and what do i do when i see ppl crying in the funeral?
do i capture it too? like i do when i am doing a wedding?
and having to see the whole thing through the screen of the video camera...
it is as a third person's view...that i am not part of this event, like an outsider...
is like i am not existing in the same space...
i think funeral is a place where the person can be remembered and the family and relatives can let the sadness comes out...
and in a way, let the tears heal each other...
being this "outsider, i can't fully absorb the atomsphere...
was not able to grief and let my emotions out...
all i can think of is to observe the "audience"... what they are feeling...
what type of interactions they may have had in my aunt's life...
try to feel their sadness as a third person and think of what i can write about it...
HATE IT!!!!!!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
In remembrance...
It was Sunday afternoon, while i was having lunch with my brother and sisters after worship...
then suddenly got a call from my mom, who rarely calls me on my cell...
and i can hear her voice being a bit shaky... but pretend to be calm at first...
just a moment later just burst out in tears and said...
"#2 aunt may not be able to make it... you should come to the hospital right away..."
Almost all the sisters from my mom's side have moved to Canada together
and we will always have these big family gatherings almost every week...
there will be about 20 ppl all clamped into one house..including all the kids and stuff...
and so the family ties are really close...
and my #2 aunt had always been really faithful in church....
kind and helpful to everyone...
When i arrive at the ICU, i can see almost everyone of my relatives there already,
everyone looking very grave and some still having tears in their eyes...
i couldn't really believe this is really happening, it was all so sudden,
my aunt had a brain stroke...
there was no signs or warnings...
she was at home going to take a shower
and the next moment, she fell to the floor...
was not able to breath on her own, only the heart is still pounding...
and by 6pm, the doctor declared her offically brain dead and passed away...
My mom told me that she was really glad that the 4 sisters had a gathering the night before...
where they were able to share their struggles...
and one of the struggle that my aunt was having...
was worrying about my cousin who have left God for a long time now...
also my little cousin who is studying aboard and my aunt had to be her guidance here...
but cause she was a bit hard to take care of...
cause the two cousins weren't getting along were in the same house...
they were helping for God's help...
then the next day, this happens...
My cousin was really upsad, but believe that they will be meeting again in the heavens...
and said that will still take up my aunt's will to take care of her...
If this is God's will...
as it is not always what we wished for...
will you still be able to obey and accept it when it goes for the wrong turn?
then suddenly got a call from my mom, who rarely calls me on my cell...
and i can hear her voice being a bit shaky... but pretend to be calm at first...
just a moment later just burst out in tears and said...
"#2 aunt may not be able to make it... you should come to the hospital right away..."
Almost all the sisters from my mom's side have moved to Canada together
and we will always have these big family gatherings almost every week...
there will be about 20 ppl all clamped into one house..including all the kids and stuff...
and so the family ties are really close...
and my #2 aunt had always been really faithful in church....
kind and helpful to everyone...
When i arrive at the ICU, i can see almost everyone of my relatives there already,
everyone looking very grave and some still having tears in their eyes...
i couldn't really believe this is really happening, it was all so sudden,
my aunt had a brain stroke...
there was no signs or warnings...
she was at home going to take a shower
and the next moment, she fell to the floor...
was not able to breath on her own, only the heart is still pounding...
and by 6pm, the doctor declared her offically brain dead and passed away...
My mom told me that she was really glad that the 4 sisters had a gathering the night before...
where they were able to share their struggles...
and one of the struggle that my aunt was having...
was worrying about my cousin who have left God for a long time now...
also my little cousin who is studying aboard and my aunt had to be her guidance here...
but cause she was a bit hard to take care of...
cause the two cousins weren't getting along were in the same house...
they were helping for God's help...
then the next day, this happens...
My cousin was really upsad, but believe that they will be meeting again in the heavens...
and said that will still take up my aunt's will to take care of her...
If this is God's will...
as it is not always what we wished for...
will you still be able to obey and accept it when it goes for the wrong turn?
Wow...just realized that i haven't written anything for almost 2 months...
too many things happening for the past months, too many things and thoughts crowded inside my head that is just struck there and can't get out...
even since my HK/Taiwan trip from April, then come back to City Mosaic, started a relationship...then being a youth mentor for the very first time in the camp, then the Toronto film fest where i watched around 14 films or more...then suddenly passing away of my aunt in one day's time, taking up this new acting/directing night class at Ryerson...all these happens in a couple of months time...
i feel that all these things need to be sinked in and digested...
that i was stuck in a state of blankness only till now begin to recover little by little...
hope i can be able to make sense of it, retrieve it from memory...and not let the experiences go to waste...
too many things happening for the past months, too many things and thoughts crowded inside my head that is just struck there and can't get out...
even since my HK/Taiwan trip from April, then come back to City Mosaic, started a relationship...then being a youth mentor for the very first time in the camp, then the Toronto film fest where i watched around 14 films or more...then suddenly passing away of my aunt in one day's time, taking up this new acting/directing night class at Ryerson...all these happens in a couple of months time...
i feel that all these things need to be sinked in and digested...
that i was stuck in a state of blankness only till now begin to recover little by little...
hope i can be able to make sense of it, retrieve it from memory...and not let the experiences go to waste...
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