I am through with the past,
but the past is not through with me.

~ Magnolia

Urbana Day 1

Didn't really have much expectation before going to Urbana...
I thought that it was to open my eyes and make a bit more clear as what i am to do...
as i always thought i already found my path and general direction to be doing film stuff or youth stuff...
So i thought it was to go to relax...as was pretty busy before with recording and other meetings...
i even brought two books with me to read...
And so i thought...

We carpooled to Buffalo airport and took the train to Chicago first...then transfer to St.Louis...
the train ride was really great and comforty... cause the seats were really huge...
there was even a observation deck to look out into the wheat fields...
gave me great time to relax and prepare for going into Urbana...
except that we can't really find any food to eat, cause it was Christmas Day and Boxing Day,
not that many resturants opened...

It was late at nite in the train and wasn't able to sleep...
so was talking to Yum about how we each came to know Christ...
and then she suddenly asked me if i have made up with God yet...
i was thinking in my heart...hmmm....what a silly question...
of course i did...
why do u even need to ask??

But then after thinking about it for a while,
I found that maybe i haven't...
After i left church for a couple of years...
and came to Across and back to church...
i wanted to filled lots of info and knowledge about Christians...
kinda to make up for the years that i missed...
but it never really went into my heart...
and i guess i know the Holy Spirit speaks to me and guide me...
but didn't really think there is really a spiritual battle...
so that's why lots of the times, i depended only on myself...

And i guess i always feel that i did lots of bad things in the past and hurted lots of ppl...
never really let myself go and forgave myself...
so there was always this distance.... with myself or with the big G...

So it was really great to have this reflection before getting to Urbana and it set the tone and objective for the whole thing...
to truly experierence God into my heart...to really see Him again...

Across U-hub Living the Dream Concert

Trailer for the Living the Dream Concert that will be held in P.C.Ho Theater at Chinese Culture Center on Sat. Feb 24, 7:30pm and Sun Feb 25, 3:30pm

Pre-order ticket at www.acrossuhub.com

Directing/Acting Classes

I am taking this class that's suppose to be for helping you how to direct actors...
and they say, if you want to know how to direct, you need to know how to act first...
so that you will know how hard it is for actors/actress to express themselves when have to be on the spot...

well...didn't think will have any problems at first, cause i did have some drama experience back in the days...
i don't like to do any public speaking...let alone acting...
but then, cause the class is really small, it is different to act for a whole audience, cause u don't really see any of the ppl down there when the spotlight is on you...so i can be free and do whatever...
so...in this small room full of ppl of different race...it is pretty hard...
forcing you out of the comfort zone...

One of the excise that we learn that will help actors connect is call a "word repetition" game...
that's when two ppl sit opposite of each other, knees to knees, eyes to eyes...
to fully observe any details about the other person, and just keep repetiting the words till there are new observations...
like a ping pong game, bounce back and forth....
will be like "You are scared", "You are scared"....."You are tense", "You are tense"
back and forth...
the purpose is so that the words will keep the brain occupied while your true emotion will be able to come out without thinking it through...

it is pretty interesting...
cause through the games, i learn about myself and others as well...
i can see that the partner that i choose to do this game with,
is someone that i have confidence to "manage", that i can control the whole process without making a fool of myself in front of the class...
somehow, the teacher was able to see this, maybe cause my tone was there to "help" or "teach" the other person how to do this...
and she said "Being safe doesn't get you the best stuff, creativity wise"...
which is pretty true, for me,
i guess i do things the same in many areas of my life,
choosing to do the safest thing so no one will be able to comment on them...
but i think i have change bit by bit these couple of years,
cause i know that no matter what you choose to do, ppl will comment and critiize it no matter what...
so as long as you are true to yourself and do what you feel is right...

Another thing out of this excise,
is that, when the words or phrases are repeated too long,
ppl will try to "act", which means trying to play an emotion, rather than just let the emotion play itself out...
they want to make it to be more interesting...
and that's the worst acting, lowest form of acting there is, playing an emotion, rather than feeling the emotion and then use it to drive the action...
cause "the reality of acting is in the doing itself", truly doing the action with emotion droven...

Then the teacher say that...
we need to be confident that,
just by sitting there, being yourself, is already interesting enough...
don't need to make up other stuff to be special...

I think it is so true in life...
i see ppl around be very afraid of silence...
or afraid they don't have anything to say...
so will make up lots of things to say... try to be funny...
will talk about other ppl, or putting ppl down...
try to show they are superior or smart...
but lots of time, it is just trash that comes out of the mouth...
don't you know that being silent is a message in itself?

It is this feeling of wanting to feel special, trying to get peoples' attention that often hurts people around you.

思想體檢報告

From 思想體檢報告

· 重義氣，對朋友全心全意的付出不會佔別人便宜。
· 與世無爭、步調從容、態度圓融，做人處事低調內斂。
· 順其自然、性格中庸、單純，做人處事以和為貴，容易與人相處。
· 為人正直，痛恨投機取巧者。
· 不推卸責任，骨子硬。
· 求知慾強烈，能將所學運用自如。

缺點：
· 理想主義者，作決定欠缺實際利益考量。
· 缺乏遠見、欠缺責任感與危機意識，應學習先思後行以免因為做了欠缺考量的決策而吃虧。
· 不知變通、冷漠。
· 會因為能力強而高傲、看不起光說不練之人。
· 因為自傲而漠視社會輿論。

Bright Future

First film that i did ever, which was back in 2003.
It was shot with just one roll of 8mm, with a very nice Super 8 camera from the UT Hart house.
It was shot for a Super 8 film fest at the time and there was a live band playing jazz to accompany it.

It was a time when i feel that i was struck in my job working in an office. Didn't my parents say that i will have a great future and a great job waiting for me once i finish university? Is this going to be it for me?
So this film was born...
I purposely shot it straight on, just let it run, to reflect and to show a sense of realism that is experienced in real life.
You feel that it is boring just looking at him work?
Well, aren't you doing the same thing everyday at your job?

On Funeral

"I would rather participate in life than write a hundred stories." ~Thomas Mann

I hate to do shooting more and more now...
well...for events that is...
but cause ppl know that u know a bit about video shooting...
will push you to do it everytime...
and the most recent one is my aunt's funeral...hate it hate it....!!!!!

i already told my mom many times that i don't want to do it...
cause it is very weird to me...
having to shoot a dead person...and esp. one of my own relatives...
and what do i do when i see ppl crying in the funeral?
do i capture it too? like i do when i am doing a wedding?
and having to see the whole thing through the screen of the video camera...
it is as a third person's view...that i am not part of this event, like an outsider...
is like i am not existing in the same space...
i think funeral is a place where the person can be remembered and the family and relatives can let the sadness comes out...
and in a way, let the tears heal each other...
being this "outsider, i can't fully absorb the atomsphere...
was not able to grief and let my emotions out...

all i can think of is to observe the "audience"... what they are feeling...
what type of interactions they may have had in my aunt's life...
try to feel their sadness as a third person and think of what i can write about it...
HATE IT!!!!!!

In remembrance...

It was Sunday afternoon, while i was having lunch with my brother and sisters after worship...
then suddenly got a call from my mom, who rarely calls me on my cell...
and i can hear her voice being a bit shaky... but pretend to be calm at first...
just a moment later just burst out in tears and said...
"#2 aunt may not be able to make it... you should come to the hospital right away..."

Almost all the sisters from my mom's side have moved to Canada together
and we will always have these big family gatherings almost every week...
there will be about 20 ppl all clamped into one house..including all the kids and stuff...
and so the family ties are really close...
and my #2 aunt had always been really faithful in church....
kind and helpful to everyone...

When i arrive at the ICU, i can see almost everyone of my relatives there already,
everyone looking very grave and some still having tears in their eyes...
i couldn't really believe this is really happening, it was all so sudden,
my aunt had a brain stroke...
there was no signs or warnings...
she was at home going to take a shower
and the next moment, she fell to the floor...
was not able to breath on her own, only the heart is still pounding...
and by 6pm, the doctor declared her offically brain dead and passed away...

My mom told me that she was really glad that the 4 sisters had a gathering the night before...
where they were able to share their struggles...
and one of the struggle that my aunt was having...
was worrying about my cousin who have left God for a long time now...
also my little cousin who is studying aboard and my aunt had to be her guidance here...
but cause she was a bit hard to take care of...
cause the two cousins weren't getting along were in the same house...
they were helping for God's help...
then the next day, this happens...

My cousin was really upsad, but believe that they will be meeting again in the heavens...
and said that will still take up my aunt's will to take care of her...

If this is God's will...
as it is not always what we wished for...
will you still be able to obey and accept it when it goes for the wrong turn?

Wow...just realized that i haven't written anything for almost 2 months...
too many things happening for the past months, too many things and thoughts crowded inside my head that is just struck there and can't get out...
even since my HK/Taiwan trip from April, then come back to City Mosaic, started a relationship...then being a youth mentor for the very first time in the camp, then the Toronto film fest where i watched around 14 films or more...then suddenly passing away of my aunt in one day's time, taking up this new acting/directing night class at Ryerson...all these happens in a couple of months time...

i feel that all these things need to be sinked in and digested...
that i was stuck in a state of blankness only till now begin to recover little by little...
hope i can be able to make sense of it, retrieve it from memory...and not let the experiences go to waste...

Life as a mathematical formula

There are so many unknowns in life...
if we are to set some variables to define these unknowns, X (men), Y(women), Z(incident)
so for example, 2 guys having a fight maybe something like this X1 +X2 +Z = ?
or maybe a love triangle will be like X1 + X2 + Y + Z == X + Y1 +Y2 + Z == some negative number cause someone is going to get hurt for sure...

also there are so many changes in life, which we can call "derivatives" (dx)/(dy), where life changes every moment of the day, and we do an "integration", to collect all the changes (dx) in life and recreate the whole picture by adding all of these changes up...


There are so many ppl in life, so many things happening, changes every seconds...
what if we encounter something that we cannot understand or cannot solve?
like (This guy keeps bugging me and won't go away), (Need to buy a car/house and don't have enough money to pay for the down payment), (don't know about my calling or future direction)....
all these things are happening in your life... and wont' be able to solve it in the short term...
so can just put a bracket around them and just leave them alone for a while...and go on with other stuff..
sometimes after a while, the bracket may just opens up and goes away,
or you have found the unknown variables you need in other parts of life and will be able to work these brackets out...


there will for sure be ppl or incidents that gives you bad experiences or negative numbers...
but when you look at the whole picture, they are just a small part of your life long long LONG equation...
and we may need some of those negative experiences to counter another gloomy event later on in another stage...
which will make a positive outcome...

so don't be discourage for all the struggles and unknowns in life...

P.S. if you can use the Strong Law of Large Numbers on the world,
then you will be able to see God the all mighty exist....=D

P.P.S. Sorry for all these numbers and variables, just my calculus memory from UT coming back to haunt me...XD

"Only when the glass breaks can light shine through."
~ Leonard Cohen

今天遇上的困苦和等待，
是為了我們明日的脫變。

Lady In the Water

Had been a fan of M. Night Shyamalan since his Sixth Sense movie and Signs...
cause his work is pretty orginial... don't really know what to expect in the end...

This movie's theme is that everyone has a purpose in the world, that we are all connected...
we may have doubts in ourselves on what we are to become,
"Who am I? i am nothing, i am just an ordinary guy, what talents do i have to change the world..."
But who knows... maybe we are not to be famous... but someone years from now will read or see our world and be inspired and make great changes around the world...
so don't give up...we are have our purpose and personal legends to chase after...

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. John 12:24

------------------------------------------------
There are lots of symbols and myths in there which i like...
some role as the guild, the translator, and healer...sort of like an RPG game, need to find all sorts of characters before the mission can be completed...
but i guess we all need someone ot translate the symbols and signs of this complicated world and be inspired like the purpose fo the narf in the movie...

Don't go to see this movie if you are expecting a horrow /Thriller film. It has some parts that are inspiring and touching... but i suggest to wait for the DVD...

On Sickness

Haven't seen sick for quite a while...
This time is from my brother... who had a fever beginning of the week...
when i had to drive him around to work i guess i caught it gwa...
Just funny why the gems will only die down in one person when it is pasted to another person??

when i try to take the pills that i brought from last time to stop the running nose...
it had just expired in Apr...
so had to take the Neo-Citron... i kinda like the taste of it...
with a hint of sweet lemon taste...but bitter at the same time...
it passes the warmth into the veins of my body...
but just dont' like how it makes me sleepy...
maybe i do need a rest....

--------------------------------------
i actually like being sick once in a while...
without any strength in your body, you can just lay on the bed...
that i can take off all my burnens... all my masks and just lay there on my bed...
dont' have to be independent and try to take care of everything...
don't have to pretend to be strong and tough like i do everyday...
just to be a little child again...
that i need to be care for once in a while too...
to "ther" ppl around me...
to be upsad...or be mad for no reason...

I guess it is one of the ways for u to know if you love really love a person...
that's if you are able to do stupid things and be a child and show ur true self...
and trust that they will not laugh at u and think u r weak or stupid...XD

Thx mum...

An immigrant to the world

Movies/books have made readers/viewers an immigrant to the world.
It showed us the other side of the world where there are hundreds of possibilities compare to what we call reality today.

What is reality? It is just a chain of consequences that came out with luck and butterfly effects, and defeated all the others. Sort of like there is only one sperm that can get into the egg and all the others dies.

Everytime a page is turned or a scene is opened, they show you what it may have been like and how it reflects on this ugly, shallow world that you never want to come back to. The problem is not getting back to reality, as it only needs a strong will and determination, and will be able to pull yourself out. The problem is not the listener, but yourself. How you can tell people around you what you have seen on the other side.

As Plato said, "You find that you are standing on the grounds / surroundings that you are familiar with, but you have become an alien with a foreign tongue that no one can understand."

Colorgenics Test

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

Of late, everything seems to be going so slowly - far slower than you anticipated - and this is causing you much anxiety and frustration. It would appear that there is little you can do about the series of events that now seem to be taking place. In spite of the fact that you feel like 'giving up' - don't. Take a deep breath and start over again and you will find that eventually the expression 'All's well that ends well' will have an extra special meaning for you.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

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go here for your own test
http://www.paulgoldin.com/colorgenics.htm

無論如何，我們都是孤寂的。。。

Libido and Art

All my life, I had a need to think painting, to paint in order to liberate myself from all the impressions, all the feelings, and all the anxieties of which the only solution I know is painting.

- Nicolas de Staë

I think it is kind of similiar to what Freud said about Libido, where libido means the energy of life. In his eyes, life is driven by sexual desire, love for oneself, for their family, even love for art or belief. And this energy is not unlimited, what is used up will not be recovered.

When things are not going their way in life, people will feel powerless and debilitated, the way to release these pressure maybe take it out on their loved ones, be it lovers or family and friends, go on a shopping spree, go drink till you drop, so to forget about it for a while.

Artists are usually consider to have a very strong Libido, and it is this pressure and drive from the energy of life that gives inspiration and muse to their artwork. They are usually more sensitive to problems in life around them, and in trying to solve them, be able to boarden their horizon and begin their creation.

When they feel pressure, anxiety, distress in life, will try to find out the source of these complications, analyses it face to face with reason, and consciously readjust its target to the projection of the libido energy. Not to give up and lose the battle easily and waste the chance to grow, but rather, infuse it attentively into their art and who knows, maybe able to change the world in the mean time.

Jacksoul

Went to the Jacksoul concert with some good friends...

i always loved Jacksoul's music...
the music just has this beat that makes you want to dance to it...
and the voice of Hayden is so so nice...
very rich and powerful...
makes you want to just cry with songs like someday

Music is just so amazing and it touches ppl's heart so deeply...
i have to work hard on my guitar...

Very funny Cheer Video