Drunken Palace

Loneliest Planet

2011-10-28T14:34:00.001-04:00

What is there left to hope for in this world

When the earth is shaking in anger
When the ground is bleeding endlessly
When the people are on the streets fighting
When the kids are crying and babies dying
When the world is suppose to be a whole lot bigger
Mine is just getting smaller and tighter
Hiding and cramping behind screens

We are asked to do good and be good
But good isn't enough
Have to be great
Have to be excellent
No matter what the reason is and how to get there
Just be good and achieve
Achieve something that is not for our own but for progress
Achieve something that only grease the machine
Achieve something that leads to dead ends

Got to look good wherever we go
Be someone special
Because you are someone special
Can't I just be ordinary
Will you still love me then

No one is listening
No one here beside once again
I am at the bottomless pit
Forever yelling out for help which never came

Sleep
Insomnia
Diet
Overconsume

Alcohol
Drugs
Porn
Sex
Racing
Cutting
Hurting

Drama
Chaos

Jaded
Burnt Out
Threaten
Shaken
Procrastinate
Hallucinate
Just to get out of this shithole

迷失
迷惑
迷戀

沉醉
沉溺
逃避
逃亡

麻醉

自卑
自私
自大
自戀
自虐
自我標榜
自我陶醉

get high
get drunk
get stoned

after the caffeine
after the hype
after the adrenaline

酒醒過後
興奮過後
高潮過後

我們還是要一個去面對
Facing everything alone
In this loneliest planet

Frozen Gestures and Reincarnation

2011-06-21T00:37:00.012-04:00

Started out the day with a great great discovery, just following ppl down the street and into this great cafe, amazing bakery and great coffee. All the tables and chairs are the old old wood and antiques... love the tone and music here... it will be my hanging out and getting my share of java every morning before I head out...

It was kinda raining the whole day, which gave me a bit of a headache in
the end... I started out wanting to go to New Museum as my first destination.. but then
couldn't resist the call of Soho, so ended up going shopping for ... some odd hours... I find that Uniquo is not as good as before, first because their prices have gone up quiet a bit, and the Tees are not as crazy and unique anymore... a bit disappointed... then got great great finds in the Levi's jeans store, 3 pairs of great jeans for 50 bucks... and of course went to Muji, found this great BLACK raincoat just in case...

Then it really started to rain hard, so I decided it is time for the museum...
The New Museum, just a couple blocks off Soho, with each floor hosting a different exhibition,
which really is not that quiet impressive, given my limited understand of the "new" art...but somethings did catch me though.

On the first floor, it is from Lynda Benglis, the first retrospective in NYC in 20 years who is a real feminist and famous artist... one of the most "signature" thing for her is putting lots and lots of bright color latex on top of each other... making a huge sculpture that is not in her control how it turns out...which can be half the size of a person, frozen in the air... I think I can do that as well if that's call art... but the idea of the "frozen gesture" makes me reflect upon where everyone is frozen in a certain state at each point of their lives, and building on top and on top of it... We get frozen or static without even realizing it, being oxidized and life draining away...
that's pretty interesting.. but she didn't really say it like that.. don't know if it is the intended meaning...just my imagination...

One of my fav. Thai director,Apichatpong Weerasethakul, who have directed films like "Ploy", "Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives" that won the Palme d'Or at Cannes last year, and film titles like "The Adventures of Iron Pussy ", how can I pass on his first ever exhibition, "Primitive"... the room is spread into eight films,
following a gang of youth who happen to be able to build a spaceship and can travel back and forth through time, and exploring the personal and political memories of their own identity and of the country... which relates to the military regime of Thailand in the 1970s... it is meant to be a dream like experience, “reincarnation and transformation.”
I have always wondered how I would be like if I am living in another time period, what would I be doing... whom would I have met...
maybe there is another me on the other side of the world right now, living a completely different live... just like in "The Double Life of Veronique" or a different version of my life right now base on different decisions that I made, but he is living on with those consequences... as in "Sliding Doors"

One of my fave bookstore in NYC is the New Museum gift shop, with lots and lots of great art books and films... very interesting topics on things you never thought of, or have thought of and couldn't find anywhere else... got a book about the making of books with different materials like fabrics, silk, many many more... also one that's about using ANY material to turn it into a pinhole camera, like coffee jars, matchboxes, your limit is just your imagination... very cool...
also a book about the resistance art in the Palestine...

Where Dreams Are Made Of...

2011-06-11T18:46:00.006-04:00

The day didn't really start out well...
the stupid megabus had to change cars within half hour of traveling...
then the US customs are threatening everyone, interrogating everyone, not wanting anyone to go into their country...
Why would a world "super power" be so insecure? Where is the gesture of being a leader?

It is pretty interesting that I met this girl from Cabbagetown, she was asking directions to the Penn Station, being a guy, of course I need to pretend that I do know how to get there...
Good thing that I saw which way the bus made from, so led her the right way...
she is really great in giving me some interesting places her friend suggested her to go to in NYC.. cause it was her first time into the city...
There is this place that seems very very interesting, called PDT, which means "Please Don't Tell", where u have to find this really shady hot dog shop, take the telephone there at the phone booth and ask to be let in... Woo secretive... I like...

Finally when I get into New York City , it is already around 9pm...
finding my way to the hostel is around 10pm...
luckily, they had free BBQ last night at the backyard... which is great...
even though the pork chop is a bit dry... but hey.. it is free... be grateful...
And Vancouver won the game!!! yea.. I was just in time for the game winning goal...

The hostel itself, New York Loft Hostel, is very nice, clean, stylish, cool ppl, but the area itself seems a bit shady, I was a bit scare when I had to walk around myself last night looking for it...
Note to self, don't come back too late by subway...

The room itself, sleeping over 16 ppl, you can expect not being able to get much sleep, as the doors keep banging the whole night, opening and closing, bang bang bang...
but I guess everyone is friendly and just looking for a cover for the night...
Good thing that ppl don't snore and I sleep right next to the AC for staying cool..

Going to be raining the next two days...
I guess need to stay indoor, hiding in some museum or something...
looking forward to the New Museum, MOMA, and the McQueen exhibition...

When I walk around the city, the Alicia Keys song keep ringing in my head...
New York, place where dreams are made of...
Really?? where is this dream... I hope I can find it again here...
Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind

2010-11-04T23:52:00.000-04:00

Art is like masturbation. It is selfish and introverted and done for you and you alone. Design is like sex. There is someone else involved, their needs are just as important as your own, and if everything goes right, both parties are happy in the end.

— Colin Wright

2010-11-02T11:06:00.000-04:00

When people are just treated as an object or number...
That's anti-creation...and anti-human...
What is anti-human is anti-God...

沒有夢想的生活... A life without dreams...

2010-11-02T10:57:00.001-04:00

沒有夢想的生活
就像沒有對好焦的照片
就像沒有調好音的吉他
就像沒有養好肝的身體
總是有些不妥

A life without dreams
Is like a photo out of focus
Is like a guitar out of tune
Is like a liver out of whack
Something just doesn't feel right

Numbing it out

2010-09-13T22:14:00.007-04:00

When sickness enters...
Like a spider web...
Sticky...
Murky...
Dreary...

A darkness suddenly enters...
Blurry...
Dazey...
Confused...

Don't seem to see straight...
Don't know where tomorrow leads...

All that is wanted...
Is to insulate the pain and the nerves...
Is to buffer the nerves and the brain...
Is to cushion the brain and the feelings...
Is to separate the feelings and heart...

Be It...
Melbec drowning it out...
Gaga blasting it out...
Red Dead shooting it out...
Tudors fucking it out...

As long as my feelings and thoughts be numbed and zombied out...
Already enough for another day...

Disorientated

2010-06-25T07:22:00.008-04:00

Eyes half opened
Pitch black
Red light flashing
As clock turning

Disorientated
Buffer plugged into my ears
Wrapped around a bubble
Everything in slow motion

What am I doing here
Should it not be daytime

Who am I
Not the same as yesterday

Where am I
All too similar scenes

Hong Kong
Chengdu
Shanghai
Toronto

This maybe a glimpse
Of the other me
On the other side of the world
Sleeping too
As in
Double Lives of Veronique

Moving my finger slowly
Touching the closest blank wall

Bubble bursted
Night breathed
Silence aired
Magic absorbed

It was nice
To finally meet you
Mumbled as I falls back
To never-never land

Cries aganist the storm... Jonsi from Sigur Ros....

2010-06-23T15:29:00.007-04:00

I recently went to a concert for a singer called Jonsi, who is the lead singer for an Iceland band called Sigur Ros. They are a really great band, one of the most popular postmodern-rock band in the world right now, so it was really great to see him live in concert. When I see them on the stage, his voice and music really touched me a lot. Throughout the concert, there are many images of nature and life, of stars and skies, it was very lovely and artistic. As the concert went on, the beautiful images turned into the destruction of the forest and nature, being cut down or burned to the ground because of the human greed. They are like fairy or spirits who came out from the forest who came out to sing, to tell us their stories. I closed my eyes and feel the music filling me up, touching every part of my bones, feeling their pain and struggling. I wanted to cry.

At the very end of the concert, they ended with a very powerful song that sounded like a big thunderstorm and the singer was singing in the middle of it, the image of it is like he is a big big storm and chaos and running in the middle of it, shouting and yelling for help with all his might, but no one was listening in the world. It was so sad, so lonely, but yet so powerful. It is like the prophets in the wild where no one is listening.

There is a documentary film done a couple of years ago called “Screaming Masterpiece”, exploring why there are so many great music coming out of Iceland, people like Bjork, Mum, Sigur Ros. I think it is really because these people are just surrounded by the great nature around them, they see the beautiful scenery everyday, in touch with the Earth and the animals, that it was able to inspired them to do the great music. There is a recent documentary called “Dreamland” from hotdocs, looking at how Iceland is the only country in the world that have the ice glaciers, volcano, many waterfalls and great mountains all in one. One looking at the place will see the many wonders of God’s creativity. But because the country is in great economic trouble, big corporations who only cared about profits and are taking advantage of that and go into build many projects, taking these natural resources, raping the earth. I get really angry and heartbroken at the sight of that. I get even more upset when these issues are not voices out or discussed when a lot of people today are so self-absorbed in their own needs, thinking it is not their problem. Things like poverty or education or human trafficking, all contribute to a larger problem like natural disaster, famine, terroristism that no one can escape. How can we be more aware of these issues? And is it to naive to think that a small group of people can have an impact against the big countries and corporations?

Jonsi - GO DO Video on Youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6HjT4SQKJI

Scattered in《大江大海一九四九》

2009-10-27T22:08:00.006-04:00

"累積的，不僅只是體力的長期疲累，也不僅只是精神上的無以言說的孤獨，還有這四百天中每天沉浸其中的歷史長河中的哀傷和荒涼。那麼慟的生離死別，那麼重的不公不義，那麼深的傷害，那麼久的遺忘，那麼沉默的痛苦。然而，只要我還陷在那種種情感中，我就無法抽離，我就沒有餘地把情感昇華為文字。
所以我得忍住自己的情感、淘洗自己的情緒，把空間騰出來，讓文字去醞釀自己的張力。我冷下來，文字才有熱的機會。"

Finally finished reading the 《大江大海一九四九》 by 龍應台... it had been my night time reading ever since I got the book(which may not be a very good idea)... maybe that's why I haven't been sleeping that well these days... because I was so touched by the many many stories that's recorded in the book about the civil war in China back in 1949... a time when the communist army was fighting the Taiwanese army...
Who is more suited than 龍應台 to write about this, as she is a Chinese/Taiwanese influenced by the Japanese, and also married to a German with two boys to look at WWII in so many different aspect and perspectives..

There are just too many emotions running through my head, often bringing them with me to my sleep... haunting me in my dreams... feeling their pain..
There are just too many scattered thoughts that I cannot piece together yet...

Small decisions that changes lives forever...
~ getting off the train to go to the washroom off a train separated a mother and son forever...

~ taking a train up North to contribute to the war effort, giving back to your country or riding South to flee to a more "hopeful" place; can mean riding to your death or never able to see your parents again for the rest of your life...

~ so much hope and meaning riding in the name to the child born in the midst of the war...

~ a copy of 古文观止 provided education for a whole school inside a concentration camp during the war and how this copy was returned to the original owner years later in Taiwan

~ the old man who was lucky enough till this day when his band of brothers all died finally realized his destiny was to live and tell the tale so the next generation can hear about this part of erased history...

~ The many stories and people who gathered in Hong Kong in that period and contributed so much who will never recognized...

~ why do we have to fight a civil war right after the victory over the Japanese army? where tens of thousands die in a matter of days, fighting against your own country man...

~ the pain and scars hidden inside each and everyone who have been in the concentration camps, whose parents were taken away, who lost their sons and daughters in the war, their brothers and sisters, their loved ones never to be seen again...

To me, a Chinese who moved to Canada ever since grade 5, I have totally no idea about that part of Chinese history...haven't really experienced any real hardship or war... it is really hard to imagine what they have gone through during those times...

~ How should I face this period of history as a Chinese 60 years after it has declared "victory"...

~ How can a country truly raise up without looking truly and honestly at its own past, history, journey and weakness... are we to wait even longer so that the "witnesses" all pass away, so that we can rewrite the history books AGAIN?!?

~ Who were the "heroes" and "traitors" depends on whose flag is being raised...

~ What is the meaning of "victory" and "failure" when so many lives have been lost, the ugliness of human nature to the bear bone...

I have lots of respect for 龍應台 and appreciate her digging through so much research, traveling across different parts of Taiwan and China to interview the remaining survivors,
to let the voiceless be heard, be a witness to them before they are lost in the streams of time and history...

Also understand from her what it means to "忍住自己的情感、淘洗自己的情緒，把空間騰出來，讓文字去醞釀自己的張力。我冷下來，文字才有熱的機會。"
This reminds me when I was in Sichuan, how I had to really hold down my feelings and emotions when listening to the stories of the students... so that I can better put their tales of courage and love together...
also better understand the struggle that Long Di must have experienced when have to face with so many tragedies from students daily...
they are all very brave people... those on both sides of the witness stand...

一句我愛你…價值873萬....You are really rich, just don't know it yet...

2009-10-03T13:32:00.004-04:00

You are really rich, you just don't know it yet video

When people are asked about their happiest moments,
not one of them talked about money...
Money will not be able to trade our happiest memories...
There are just too many things going on in the worry to worry about money...

---------------------------------------------------

Today is the weekend,
I woke up feeling healthy (slept till like 11am...so lucky),
read a little while doing the "morning business"..
watched a couple of esp. of "Firefly"...
played with the baby a while...
listening to Cheer and Tanya's music while writing this blog...
expecting this to be a great day with a little out of town get away tonight...
this simple day is already worth well up to $230,000,000
according to the book "You are really rich, you just don't know it yet"...

---------------------------------

一句我愛你…價值873萬自由時報 2009/07/14
〔編譯魏國金／綜合報導〕

生命中許多時刻是無價的，不過一本名為「你真的很富有，只是你還不知道」的新書，試圖將那些無價時刻貨幣化，結果聽到「我愛你」的價值高達16萬3424英鎊（約台幣873萬元），排名僅次於擁有健康。

英國每日電訊報13日報導，該書作者史蒂芬．亨利與大衛．艾伯特斯委託市調研究公司Brainjuicer詢問並分析逾1000名英國人，什麼讓他們感到幸福。受訪者將50件生活經驗與中樂透的快樂作比較，給出評分，然後再利用評分系統，計算那些讓人幸福的生命點滴的金錢價值。

結果出爐，健康是人們最珍視的資產，其價值達18萬多英鎊（台幣約960萬元），排名第2的是有人訴說「我愛你」，緊隨在後的是穩定的感情，其價值達15萬4849英鎊（台幣約827萬元）。

其他排名前10名的生命中最美好經驗是︰在和平安全的國家生活、有兒女、與家人相處、笑、做愛、度假、品味寧靜。

此外，閱讀的價值達287萬台幣，看電影則降至116萬元，工作樂趣約為200萬元，較遜於對週末期待的價值（台幣266萬餘元），休一天假價約為291萬元。

預期清晨起來有美好一天的價值為94萬餘元，但晚上回家讓人較感愉快，其價值達242萬餘元。吃巧克力的快樂高於煮飯，前者為218萬餘元，後者為171萬元。有寵物相伴為420台幣，而擁有小寶寶高達660萬元。

撰寫該書的前廣告公司執行長亨利與艾伯特斯，旨在呈現有一些事的價值更甚金錢。亨利說︰「這本書是關於一個有別於純粹金融體系的新價值系統，部分因為信貸緊縮的結果，人們探索不同的生活方式，尋找一個可取代金錢的價值普遍準則。
　　

The credit crunch is one of those once in a generation moments when everyone stops to think about what things are really worth. Because after years of rampant greed and unsustainable demand, Oscar Wilde’s description of a cynic was starting to apply to all of us – people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

　　But what if there is more to life than needing to spend ￡100 on a new iPod because Apple brought out one that was purple? What if money isn’t the best way to put a value on things?

　　This book suggests that there may be more important things than a new pair of Manolo Blahniks. Things like your family, or your favourite music, or a walk in the park on a sunny day. Or sex. Or telling someone you love them. This book is about helping us to realise that whatever our financial situation, our lives are incredibly wealthy already.

　　You are really rich. You just don’t know it yet.
----------------------------------------------------

Things we really need in life is pretty simple...
why have to make things so complicated...

Sheryl Crow - If It makes you happy

2009-09-23T01:47:00.001-04:00

Can't we just watch movies and read books all day without doing anything else??
Just miss those days..............

Comfort Food

2009-09-23T01:30:00.003-04:00

We all need something that can clam us down,
give us strength in the midst of stress and chaos..

A cup of hot black coffee in the morning to liquify our soul
back into our body after a long night...

A piece of 90% dark chocolate to smooth out our throat
and coat our mind in bitter sweetness in the middle of a fierce battle
against the craziness and contradictions of the world...

A glass of Cabernet Sauvignon or Pinot Noir at the end of the night...
letting the bitter tannin tangle with our taste buds and nerves...
reminding ourselves that life is bitter...
but it is also this strangely amusing bitterness that made the wine great
and going back for more...

Hot Docs: The Cove

2009-05-07T00:16:00.004-04:00

One of the best and most powerful doc I have ever seen. It is about how Ric O'Barry, one of the best at dolphin training in the 60s, made a TV show called Flipper, which he used 10 yrs to created a whole industry of dolphin shows at marines. But when his beloved frd flipper committed "suicide" because of the stress living at the marine, Ric finally woke up and realized what he had done. He had put over 23000 dolpines each year to being slaughtered. Each year, in Taija Japan, fishermen will trap dolphins that pass by the area and let the marine trainers come and pick the best ones and be sent all over the world while all the rest will be killed on the spot. But because dolphin meat is not the most attractive thing there is, they were disgusted as other more expensive meat to be send all over the country. Because of the industrial dumping and pollution, and because dolphins are at the upper level of the food chain, they have become living toxic dumpsites when they eat smaller polluted fish, and anyone who eat the dolphin meats (which they don't know about), will get high level of mercury poisoning. And it was also given out as charity to school children as free lunch all over Japan. Which has the most hurtful effects.

Ric then used the next 35 years of his life trying to right a wrong, and gathered a passionate team of ppl who really do care about the ocean and the dolphins to uncover this hidden secert. It really is a Ocean's 11 real life thriller, where they had to go undercover, tailed by cops day and night, watching their every move, being provoked by locals so they can do something stupid to kick them in jail... is one crazy ride...

I think what really touched me in this film is that the team really put everything on the line, that if they were caught, they will be in jail, or even killed and lose everything. Their passion for doing something that seem so "silly" to save a bunch of sea animals makes me believe how one small group of ppl can make a difference in the world. And makes me believe once again the moving power of cinema, where you will not get the some shock by just hearing the news. But when you see the visuals and the cries of the dying dolphins, it has such impact that shatters your heart to pieces...
A MUST WATCH FILM!!! Can't wait for it to come out in Aug throughout the city.

Go to The Cove: What Can I DO to see how you can help and take part!!!

And be careful not to eat too much tuna or salmon.. they are full of mercury as well...
see the list some of the "safer" fish below

Eat only sustainable clean seafood.
Good fish

Arctic Char
Barramundi
Catfish
Clams
Cod (Pacific)
Crab (Dungeness, Stone)
Halibut
Herring
Lobster (Spiny)
Mahi mahi (US)
Mussels
Oysters
Pollock
Salmon (Alaska wild)
Sardines
Scallops
Squid
Sturgeon (farmed)
Tilapia
trout

Bad fish
Chilean Seabass
Cod (Atlantic)
Crab (King)
Flounder
Groupers
Halibut
Lobster (Caribbean)
Mahi mahi (Imported)
Marlin
Monkfish
Orange Roughy
Rockfish
Salmon (farmed, including Atlantic)
Shark
Shrimp (imported farmed or wild)
Snapper (red)
Sturgeon (imported, wild)
Swordfish
Tuna
Walleye pike
Yellowtail

Time Traveler's Wife

2009-05-01T17:23:00.006-04:00

Would you have loved me when it was just a couple of years back,
When i was still very selfish and reckless?

Even if you can see the person i am today,
Would you have committed to stay?

To walk with me on this journey,
Through the tragic and gray?

To love me without regards,
To show the true love that you always say?

--------------------------------------------------

The above "poem" was written after finish reading "Time Traveler's Wife" a while ago...
Wondering who would really have loved me when I was still very crazy and lost back then..
and who will really still believe in the future me seeing who I am this day.
And it touched me that God is still there every single way...

Can't wait for it to come out in the movie with Rachel McAdams in it... loved her since The Notebook...

The Time Traveler's Wife is the story of librarian Henry DeTamble, who has a genetic disorder that causes uncontrolled time-travel.

Hot Docs: Inside Hana's Suitcase

2009-05-01T00:36:00.007-04:00

It was the opening night for this year's hot docs film fest. The world premiere of Inside Hana's Suitcase and it blew me away and I do have high expectations for this year's films...
The film started a bit slow, but gets better in mid-way. I guess it can use a bit less dramatization and special effect to keep it more authentic. But it was still very good.

The story is about how one Japanese woman, Fumiko, where she wish to open up a Holocaust center so that the children in Japan can learn about its history and maybe possibly to stop the increase in child violence. Then a old suitcase was send from the Auschwitz museum, and the quest to discover the story of its owner Hana begins. It is amazing how the suitcase is not just a plain old suitcase when a name and story is attached to it. To find out more about the owner, Fumiko went to Auschwitz itself to talk with the other survivors, some were Hana's childhood friends, ones who lived in the same cabin as her, and find out the horrors the children and all the Jews had to go through. In which she was able to connect with Hana's brother, George, who lives in Toronto. It was a very touching moment when George was able to see his beloved sister's only belonging left, and telling the stories of their family.

This film really gave me confirmation of how important it is for people who have gone through great tragedy to be able to tell their stories. As George said, it is important that people other than himself, will be able to know about Hana, to let her stories live on. It is a healing for him in a way. Even though it is still painful and tears still swell up his eyes, he feels it is still very important for other children to learn from Hana so this history will not repeat itself.

Fumiko's passion and efforts to dig deep into finding more about Hana is really touched me as well, or else all these beautiful memories about the lovely children before being send to the concentration camp can't be bring out. And they are still going around the world everyday to make it be known.

After the screening, there were Q & A section... and we were actually about to meet al the characters in the film, George and Fumiko themselves. It is actually a first time I seen an actual Holocaust survivor in person. It is truly an honor to be in the same room with someone who had been through so much and still holding on, living his life to the fullest. He really touched me as he keep using his life as a witness, telling again and again the painful past, hoping that history won't repeat itself. So what is our responsibility after this? How are we to engage to our time, to the present, right now? I truly believe, as a person of media ( if I may call myself that for now), we do have burden, a accountability to let these witness be presented, these stories be told, these memories live on.

This film also reminds me of a film I saw in TIFF a while ago, And Along come tourist. Also a very touching film, high recommend!! It was also about the Holocaust, where one of the survivors who lives on site at one of the Auschwitz museum to give lectures about it, keeps repairing the suitcases as he still cherish each and every piece like his children. It was asking the question about whether the tourist who comes to the museum really cares about the past, or just come for the wows and amusements. Even the local politicians were just using the past sometimes as a tool to gain ground and favors. And how are we treating the "human history witness", do we know we have lots of treasure inside of them? And do we have any respect for other people's tragedy? Reminds me of what Beichuan might become as a tourist site.

Inside Hana's Suitcase will be showing again Sun May 3rd @ 1:30pm, don't miss it!!!

Extended reading
Q & A: Inside Hana's Suitcase
Hot Docs from Apr 30 to May 10

The Ethanol Sermon

2009-03-20T15:50:00.005-04:00

The Ethanol Sermon
by Jane Yoder-Short

Hear this word, you car owners of America
Who are constantly on the highways
Who consume fuel that's not yours
Who take corn from the needy for your tanks

You drive on land where bread should grow
You endlessly plant asphalt to increase your speed
You grow concrete so you can conveniently park
You turn justice to ethanol
And your righteousness becomes stale with pollution

Your rear-view mirror is blind
It fails to see the hungry children
To see the wars over oil
To see the land dying to feed your habit

But the time is coming when God will repair the fields
When hope will drip from the mountains
When vineyards shall sprout where asphalt once lay
And justice will fill the air

The horn has sounded
Turn now
Seek justice
look with new eyes in your rear-view mirror

(From geez magazine, "30 Sermons You'd Never Hear in Church")
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It is time to rethink about the way we use gas...
What our cars costing the world...

魚

2009-03-18T09:54:00.025-04:00

As the water rushes through my body springing from the shower,
Images of my youth days comes back to life.

We would hang out till the sun comes out,
Laugh our heads off at the silliest jokes,
Run through the night like there were no tomorrow,
Dance in the middle of the street like there was no one around,
Soaring through the night sky in our roaring motorcycles.

We were as care-free as a feather,
Worry-free as the wind.
We laughed at the ways of the world,
We despised all rules,
We rebelled against all authorities.
Shouting at the top of our lungs the anger and frustration toward the system.
What we worried about was that grown-ups didn't notice us
So that they can envy our youthfulness.

Till One Day,
We finally noticed the chains and handcuffs slowly creeping around our arms and legs,
Tightening its grip,
Clipping off our soaring wings,
Fading out our smiles,
By this thing called Life.

We were left like fishes dumped in the water,
With no legs to run or wings to fly.
That we are like the salmons,
And it is time for us to swim upstream edge of the river,
Losing our loved ones in battle against the dashing current.
What do we expect to find when we reach the top?
That we have fulfilled our destiny?
Or only to die from exhaustion just like everyone else?

Is there someone out there,
That can shield me under their wings,
Give me a heartfelt embrace,
Till I gather enough courage,
To step out and face this world.

Part of the 陳綺貞"太陽"專輯徵文活動 Final 50
Please vote for me, Drunken Angel <<魚>> #16
Thanks a lot.

Things that you may or may not know about Joseph…

2009-01-19T18:03:00.006-05:00

1. Loves to eat spicy hot stuff… People always asks if I was a Indian or Korean in my other life…

2. Like to use my nose to smell things before eating it… cause by smell, there is a whole new dimension to “taste” it…

3. Only have a "3 min. attention span" for things, that's why I started to learn a lot of things but then give it up half way... piano, wing chun, drawing, guitar, books read half way though...

4. Have some strict rules for film...Really really hate ppl to talk or make noise or keep walking around during a movie, cause each film has its own dignity and they should be respected… Also, please don't comment on a film/book/music if you never really seen it or listen to it but have to criticize it...that's the worst thing to do, so insulting and arrogant...

5. Loves to read books of all types... I think it is one of the best things my dad passed to me is the reading habits... even though he rarely reads any books, but he brought me to the library every week when I was a kid... makes me know how to think and see the world...

6. Needs a cup of coffee everyday, got the habit when still in university, having to study at Tim Hurton's all the time... now coffee don't really do a thing for me, cause drink a cup and still go to sleep right away...

7. Love to take a hot hot shower first thing in the morning...it is a must... so that the memories from the day before, I can literally "sleep on it"... and get a fresh start the next morning no matter what, is like injecting energy into my soul with every drop of water...

8. Used to drink a lot…=P but now believe that drinking should only be done with good pairing up… beer and wings/chips, sake and sushi, red wine and cheese/chocolate/thousand year old eggs, drinking in general with good friends

9. A picture is worth a thousand words, that's definitely true for me. The best way for me to learn/remember is by seeing, cause I am a visual person, will learn someone’s name a lot faster by seeing a name tag then just hear them… It is both a strength and weakness for me…

10. I love to collect things... when I was young it was like stamps, then stickers, then move to Woodstock, little alcohol samples, CDs, DVDs, books... is like every time I have a collection, I have a deeper understanding into that subject and will look for people with a similar interest to share...

11. I like many different types of music, rock, pop, jazz, folk, I will give the CD or singer a chance for my ears first, if it doesn’t suit my taste, then will move on without regret, but will at least have a chance to be heard… as I believe everything/everyone should be at least given a chance…

12. Because Akira Kurosawa changed my life after I watched Rashmon and Ikiru, he is my goal and my aim...even though it is impossible...haha... my love for Japanese films still grows till this day...

13. Really admire people with creative talents… especially those singer/songwriters… Well.. of course the good ones… but they are not really being appreciated enough... so that's why I have to buy "legal" music and film even though don't have much money...to support them both money wise and spiritually =P

14. One of the proudest/happiest/important moments in my life was the time when I went to Taiwan alone to see Cheer… It showed me that I can actually achieve something that seems crazy/impossible to others if you really want it…

15. Used to bring my camera with me everywhere I go, to capture all there is in life… but then find that some things can only be capture with the mind and the eyes, not the camera… and the worst thing is, you already missed the chance to fully live out that moment cause was too busy fiddling with the camera…(I had to learn it the hard way...)

16. Believe that the “unseen” is all around us.. just a matter of having the heart and the sensitivity to feel it or listen to it… cause it does give us many great insights and reflections…

17. There is a ritual that I have... when I am really unhappy, I will have a glass of wine, turn the music on really loud in my room... and then... a big clean up of my room... (which only have a path from the door to my bed right now XP) after that, I will feel a lot better, with a sense of fresh feeling of how clean the room is, and feeling blessed with all the things I have...

18. Very tolerate and patience with people until they crossed a line, and once they have crossed this line of mine, it is very hard to go back…

19. Don't have much patience for attention seekers... will ignore them on purpose when met with one...

20. Don’t really like to talk much…(I guess everyone knows that…) Just think that it is not an “issue” or “problem” to keep silent when not much want to say. Really hate ppl to have to “make noise” or say things just for heck of it… Don’t you know that silence is “speaking” as well? And I guess not too many ppl understand about what comfortable silence is…

Slumdog Millionaire!!!

2009-01-10T01:17:00.003-05:00

This is just such a great film.
At the end of the movie, I can only say...WOW...
It is supposed to be just another typical star-crossed lover movie, but Danny Boyle gave it a bit time remixed, with a great story linked together by the game show "Who wants to be a millionaire?", embedded with such a rich culture from India and showing the brief glimpse of how Bombay had changed from a slum where the main characters came from, to the modern day city of Mumbai. The actings are great, especially the kids in the beginning of the film really set the tone and helped us build an intense emotional attachment to the characters.
The editing and cinematography is superb just like you would expect from Boyle, like the fast editing we have seen in Trainspotting. And the music score by A.R. Rahman was stunning and goes with the movie so well.

I really do appreciate how much work and understand Boyle had in the Indian culture and the tides of change it had experienced. If our Chinese Canadian history or culture can be told like it did in the film, then it will really really be something...

This is one of the best film that made me sit on the edge of my seat for quiet a while!!

Lars and the Real Girl

2008-11-22T18:21:00.005-05:00

It is about Lars who is an really extreme introvert because of hurts in the past, and one day just shows up with a great beautiful girl, Bianca, the doll as his girlfriend.

A great movie about how sometimes we make really stupid decisions, and projected everything we wanted onto a delusion... but everyone around you played along with you cause all they wanted to do is love you...
pretty touching...

Bend the arc of history

2008-11-20T01:21:00.004-05:00

At the cool autumn night of Nov. 4,
for many the impossible dream has finally came true.
America's first ever African-America president was elected.

As I was watching his victory that night, tears begin to fill my eyes.
As this is not only a president that the people in US had been waiting for,
but also a change that the world has been waiting for a long time for.
Obama has given hope to people who needed it most.

He had completed half of the dream by his hero, Martin Luther King Jr.,
to eliminate racial discrimination in America,
the other half is to eliminate poverty still has a long way to go,
but his election will surely speed up the process
and inspire a lot of people to work hard and tell the world that nothing is really impossible. There are tons of newborns being named Obama in Kenya right now.

He came from a broken family with parents separated at an early age,
then had a drug addiction in his teen years,
how he came back and work hard the black community and see their hardship,
then going into Harvard law school and then becoming the president should only have been seen in a Hollywood movie.
But it really did came true.

I wondered as I was watching if one day, there will be a Chinese Canadian who will become Canada's Prime Minister, as we were once before a discriminated railway worker, just like the blacks were trapped in slavery in the US, is it possible?

As Obama said in his speech,
"It's the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day."

We have been living in an of wars, social injustice, global warming, poverty, greed in the financial market, and this has become a major turning point in history. He had mentioned Ann Nixon Cooper, an 106 years old lady, who was born just pass the slavery generation, witnessed the Great Depression, whom wasn't able to vote before, the Pearl Habour and the two world wars, and today, she had came to vote on a touch screen that made part of history. This is truly amazing.

Obama very much believed in investing into the future generation, as he was deeply influenced by John F Kennedy, in a 2007 speech,
"I wouldn't be here if, time and again, the torch had not been passed to a new generation."
He is able to see that it is important to pass this flame down to another generation, that's why I believe he will be a great president.

In making of Obama, or the history of African America in US, they say
"Rosa sat so Martin could walk; Martin walked so Obama could run."
It is a step by step long time process.

So what is it that we can contribute in this time of great need in the world?
What can our generation do so that our future generation to FLY towards their dreams?

Blindness Movie

2008-10-04T01:40:00.016-04:00

I have always thought that Fernando Meirelles was a great director as his last two movie was really great...The City of God (On my Top 10 movie list of all time) and Constant Gardener...
So when Blindness comes with, with a cast of Julianne Moore and Gael García Bernal, i just got to go see it right away on the opening night...
(Spoilers ahead)

It is a very great movie, so lots of metaphors and symbols to show how human nature react in sudden chaos...
Has a lot for viewers to think about, will be a bit better if the director can show Julianne, the only one who can see, her struggling to adapt and her loneliness in the situation...
The movie is about how a nation of people suddenly got this epidemic of instant "white blindness" that spread very quickly in the city.
It is very interesting how they see whiteness instead of totally darkness, which is how a total blind person should see...total blackness...

To get a clue of what this "blindness" may mean, the eye doctor was saying there was nothing wrong with the eyes, just that every light was turned on, that's why people couldn't see...
When compared to the dark ages before with lots of oppression and violence, when all the lights are turned on, when humans have all the freedoms that they want, it brings into question what does freedom, human rights, self interests, free market means...

And this "disease" is very contiguous can also be interrupted into the greed that had blinded us into seeing things clearly, just look at wall street and the US economy...
it can also be substituted into all the capitalism, consumerism, any beliefs that lead us not to see clearly and degrade our human dignity in the end, hurting each other in the process...

When all the people with the virus are quarantined in an abandoned hospital,
(Why can't we lock up all the greedy selfish bankers causing all the trouble...>_<) where it was kinda setup like a concentration camp,
with the stupid television telling how sorry the government was to put them there... (hmm... I thought I saw that somewhere before...)
The darkness of the human nature quickly showed...
As Gael Garcia Bernal became the leader of his ward taking charge,
ordering everyone around, taking control of the food supply,
which was the only power there...asking for money and belongings in return for food, later asked the women for sex in exchange...
the morals of the people in the cell decayed very quickly...
people doing what they desire without any boundaries when no one overlooking their behavior...

Julianne Moore, somehow the only one with the "clear vision" quietly observed, caring for all those around her...

The ironic thing is...she really needed to be the strongest one to survive as she can actually see the condition that they are living in, what everyone have become ...

This is really like how ppl nowadays seeing all the madness in the world, the loneliness and the struggles that they have, as no one else sees the way they see...
How can they keep their hope that one day things will get better??
What is the point of keep trying to change things when you are the only one who can see...
Has it become the burden to seeing then?
How will you use the power?
When will we be able to wake up and see clearly??

How did it end?? just go see for yourself...
in the meantime, just watch the trailer to get a taste of it...

Playlist..

2008-08-26T08:57:00.013-04:00

The world rushes on over the strings of the lingering heart making the music of sadness...
~ Tagore ~

Beginning to see the wonders of how music can go straight into the heart,
stirring your emotions round and round...

Which ballad was dancing happily around your jumpy heart
on the first date with your love?

The chant that was on the sideline cheering for you
when you feel really frustrated and about to give up?

The lullaby that was sitting by your bedside,
crying with your broken heart in the midnight hours?

Or the blues that sets the mood for the late night talks
watching the street lights flicker and sky changes color,
hiding the feelings of not wanting to part?

It is by fate and chance that you get connected to a song...
a type of 緣份... being in the right place and the right time...
where the song will become part of your life from that moment on...
so that whenever you hear the same tune whichever you are,
the scenery around the melody will just flash right before your eyes...
recalling the moment over and over...
(only if it was that easy...)

Lately John Mayer, 王若琳, Leona Lewis and Tanya are all having a party at my ears every night...

What's on your playlist?

Stuck....

2008-08-21T01:16:00.012-04:00

Starting to understand why some ppl turn into alcoholic or druggie...
(don't worry... I am not turning into one...)
cause sometimes... things just are out of your control...
but you just got to sit there and wait it out...
cause u can't do nothing about it...

Is kinda like being stuck on a highway...
with a 3 lane accident ahead... crash of a car pile...
and you are stuck in the center lane with no exit in sight...
Maybe just getting to the should lane and sleep it off...
till everything is cleaned up and over isn't too bad...

just feeling the cold whiskey on rocks circling inside my mouth...
tasting the bitterness of it...
reminding me of the past...
the memories...
the experiences...
the insomnia...
feeling the warmth flowing down the throat...
slowly leaving a trail of burning sensation...
so that I can just take a second or two off the matters on my mind...
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then find the whiskey had already been diluted without a taste to it...

Going Veggie??

2008-07-12T00:47:00.010-04:00

This past week was really going VERY SLOW...kinda...
it is because me and Sim are going on this no meat diet...
which is really a pain in my ass... cause ppl who know me will know that I am like a big big meat monster, a meal without meat will really kill me...

But then I see that the food crisis is really getting to be a problem...
with so much of our food going to the biofuel to feed our cars...
also lots of our food are going to feed the animals for the meat that we eat...
which could have been used to feed the poor and hungry...esp a famine is being predicted again in places like Ethiopia and many other countries...

With so many ppl having to go hungry... I think that trying to go on a meatless diet is not really a big thing to ask for... as many have them never tasted meat in their life time...

So I will be doing the no meat diet for this week, which is almost over and should be ending on Sunday night...
It was really really a painful journey, as I was faced with many many temptations from yummy beef steak to lambs and chicken wings...
While I was only eating mushroom, Tofu and fruits most of the time...and will go real hungry in no time...
But it was great that I am able to hold myself off and should be able to finish the quest at hand till then...
and will try to go on a less meat diet bit by bit after that....

Sometimes I ask myself why are we doing something so silly...and it doesn't seem to be any use at all...
but in the process, even though it was painful, ppl that were eating with me get curious about it and I can pass the clause to them about it... which is a great great way to spread the message around...
We can have all these knowledge about it, but it is in the acting out of it that people get curious and get drawn to it...

Isn't it kinda the same as being a Christian?
That I always ask myself over and over again
why we have to do something so different...
what is the pt of not downloading the music on the net for free?
or not buying the fake copies of films...
why have to be so honest in certain situations..
why have to speak out when you see something unjust or just wrong when everyone is doing it, what's wrong with you? So that ppl can hate you for it??
It is just life, take it easy...
Make some money, enjoy life... retire early... have fun... don't work so hard...
You are not going to make a difference... what can you do??
and what if this all turn out to be false?? Then you have wasted your whole life....

We are just silly ppl aren't we??
Oh... I thought you already know about that when you are called to be a Christian...

---------------------------------------------------
THE CASE FOR VEGETARIANISM

by Bruce Friedrich, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA)

Last month, The UN called the diversion of crops to biofuels “a crime against humanity”. Indeed, 100m tonnes of corn and other crops that could feed people instead feed our cars.

But what if I told you that 7 times as much crops (750m tonnes) are taken from the mouths of the global poor to feed chickens, pigs, and other farmed animals? Surely this is a crime against humanity of even greater impact.

I adopted a vegetarian diet more than 20 years ago, after I read Diet for a Small Planet, by Frances Moore Lappe. It changed my life.

In the book, Lappe makes the argument that using land to grow crops for animals is inefficient, polluting, and that it steals food from the mouths of the global poor.

The fact is, it’s not only her that has noticed. It seems so obvious, and slowly people are picking up on the point. Going veggie is a simple yet effective way to make sure everyone on the earth can eat.

The point is echoed by the respected environmental think tank, The WorldWatch Institute, which published a report a few years back that declares:

“[M]eat consumption is an inefficient use of grain—the grain is used more efficiently when consumed by humans. Continued growth in meat output is dependent on feeding grain to animals, creating competition for grain between affluent meat-eaters and the world’s poor.”

More and more, that message is getting a hearing, so that the UN’s climate chief Yvo de Boer said:

“The best solution would be for us all to become vegetarians.”

Indeed.

A UN report recently found that eating meat is the number one human cause of global warming. Of course, poor communities are always the first to suffer the potentially grave consequences of climate change.

The official handbook for the Live Earth concerts says “refusing meat” is “the single most effective thing you can do to reduce your carbon footprint.“

The UN report also noted the meat industry’s contribution to:

*problems of land degradation
*climate change
*air pollution
*water shortage
*water pollution
*loss of biodiversity.

Clearly, there is problem, and something needs to be done.

Isn’t adopting a vegetarian diet the least that each of us can do?

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Are You A Meat-Eating Environmentalist?

Written by Noelle dEstries

The facts point out that your juicy sirloin steak is worse for the environment than your SUV. But does that mean we really need to put our forks down? Why can’t we still fight global warming while eating a cheeseburger — it’s better to be a meat-eating environmentalist than nothing at all. Amen. Dead flesh for everyone! From the New York Times Article:

EVER since “An Inconvenient Truth,” Al Gore has been the darling of environmentalists, but that movie hardly endeared him to the animal rights folks. According to them, the most inconvenient truth of all is that raising animals for meat contributes more to global warming than all the sport utility vehicles combined.

The biggest animal rights groups do not always overlap in their missions, but now they have coalesced around a message that eating meat is worse for the environment than driving. They and smaller groups have started advertising campaigns that try to equate vegetarianism with curbing greenhouse gases.

Some backlash against this position is inevitable, the groups acknowledge, but they do have scientific ammunition. In late November, the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization issued a report stating that the livestock business generates more greenhouse gas emissions than all forms of transportation combined.

When that report came out, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and other groups expected their environmental counterparts to immediately hop on the “Go Veggie!” bandwagon, but that did not happen. “Environmentalists are still pointing their fingers at Hummers and S.U.V.’s when they should be pointing at the dinner plate,” said Matt A. Prescott, manager of vegan campaigns for PETA.

So the animal rights groups are mobilizing on their own. PETA is outfitting a Hummer with a driver in a chicken suit and a vinyl banner proclaiming meat as the top cause of global warming. It will send the vehicle to the start of the climate forum the White House is sponsoring in Washington on Sept. 27, “and to headquarters of environmental groups, if they don’t start shaping up,” Mr. Prescott warned.

Did you get your call today?

2008-06-20T09:31:00.016-04:00

Ever since the beginning of the year...so many things are happening, not only in China, but around the world as well...

First off is the assassination of Bhutto in Pakistan right after New Years...
whose suspect was freed today in Pakistan...
and the violence in Kenya for their elections...

Then it was frozen cold by the winter storm in China which have millions stranded...

It heated up with the riots and protests in Burma...

then got a call about the World Food Crisis which have millions in danger of famine around the food...

Zimbabwe's poll is similar with Kenya's killing a lot of the opposition supporters...

The US's fight between Obama and Hillary took over the news and attention...

All of a sudden, the cyclone in Burma...

And the big earthquake in Sichuan killing tens of thousands, leaving millions homeless, lots of orphans...

But then the flood in Iowa and Southern parts of China took over later also with more killing in Iraq and Afghan...

Of course the oil prices and the Brad and Angelia's baby and Hulk Hogan's son running someone over is important as well...

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So many news everyday, taking over after one another, until we forget about everything and anything that happened.

People always ask what we can do seeing so many things on the news...and then just we will just go on to watch our fav. sports, as the Stanley Cup, NBA Finals, and Euro Cup is on... and just use anything possible to distract ourselves from all those news cause it is making us so depress... like alcohol, relationships, video games, loud loud music, sex, drugs to block out all the little voices coming and going in our head...
Until the next Big News take over on the news...
So that we can move on...
And live with ourselves...

---------------------------------

We Are The World

There comes a time
When we head a certain call
When the world must come together as one
There are people dying
And it's time to lend a hand to life
The greatest gift of all

We can't go on
Pretneding day by day
That someone, somewhere will soon make a change
We are all a part of
God's great big family
And the truth, you know love is all we need

We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

Send them your heart
So they'll know that someone cares
And their lives will be stronger and free
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread
So we all must lend a helping hand

We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

When you're down and out
There seems no hope at all
But if you just believe
There's no way we can fall
Well, well, well, well, let us realize
That a change will only come
When we stand together as one

We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

China Sichuan Earthquake

2008-05-14T23:44:00.008-04:00

Driving in the middle of the rain,
I feel how comfoie and silly we are...
we are so safe and secure in N. America, in our nice car and home...
and always complain about our little rain and run into our houses ducking out heads in...
where on the other side of the world, this rain maybe their life, their only source of clean water for the moment,
or it will make them even more colder cause they have been living outside for the past weeks, with fears of another servere storm mounting up on the weekend in Burma

When I see on TV how a whole village of children lost their parents, just there crying the whole way without saying much, but it is already a big enough message and tears starts to break out...

pictures of children buried under collapsed buildings,
news of how a village had lost a whole generation of youth because of a break down of a school during the day, how their parents will feel with their only child gone...
stories of how soldiers walked for 13 hours just to get to remote villages to help the homeless and needed...
how some ppl still arguing if we still need to help China cause they are already so rich and can take care of themselves...
how come ppl can still turn this disaster into something very political and use it to blame the government of China...where are our hearts?? still have room to talk about boycotting someone in the midst of this??

maybe because there are too much bombarments from too many wars and disasters that we already start to feel numb, and just give ourselves a very good excuses, there are just too many of them, what can I do about it, no use just helping one or two of them...
imagine one of them is your relative, just one, not much, will you change your mind then?

Please do what you can, donate to diff NGO that are able to help out, care for ones that lost their loved ones... if does make a difference...
Or you can come support this event this coming Friday.
Even just a mere presence is a support...

「愛心傳千里，四川賬災大行動」
What’s about:
Date: May 16 (this Friday) 10:00am – 10:00pm
Venue: Pacific Mall
Broadcast: CCB
Highlight event: 8:00- 10:00pm (one min of silence in remember the victim at the disaster, cheque presentation, pledges and performance)

All donations will go to Red Cross Canada for the quake in China.

Short Film: Snapshot

2008-03-21T01:29:00.004-04:00

Starring Andrea Pressburger, Shaughnessy Redden

The story is about a photographer (Luc),
who has this theory that you only get so many chances in life,
just like in a roll of film, only get so many shots,
only so many opportunities in career,
people that are worthy to have a relationship with.

Luc met a philosophy and literature student (Angel)
while shooting for his exhibition,
whom he really have a connection with
through their discussions about life and death,
relationships, how to make choices in life...

Norah Jones - The Story (My Blueberry Nights OST)

2008-03-15T00:17:00.003-04:00

Wow... this song is just so amazing...
love her so much.. amazing voice...
and to think it is with Natalie Portman and Wong Kar Wai, Rachel Weisz, Jude Law...
Just too crazy!!!!
Can't wait to watch it!!!

轉載：陳冠希作為比喻的 A to Z

2008-02-28T23:23:00.002-05:00

Even though can't agree to some of the points that was in the article,
but can see how some ppl from the media are viewing this and their "reflections" on the whole incident...

------------------------------------------

轉載：陳冠希作為比喻的 A to Z
明報副刊周日話題　林奕華　2008年2月17日

A is for Angel / Adult / Apologize

天使是來自西方的觀念。他是男性的使者。人們把天使轉化成女性，本身已具有「性」意味，就像肥皂泡出現在洗碗盤中與音樂影帶裏是兩回事，一個的產生是基於化學反應，另一個是借化學反應的視覺來比喻容易破滅的美麗。

雖說阿嬌的「天使(純潔)」形象在陳冠希照片風暴中被徹底粉碎，但若從「天使」為何由男變女的本質問題上來看，「她」的角色其實就是一個「性使者」(在出道歌曲《明愛暗戀補習社》已穿泳衣)。撇開阿嬌是個成年人，今次事件並容或令人發現「天使」也有性生活，但「天使」只是一個角色，扮演她的演員私下有覑正常人的生活，既然如此，她哪裏有錯，為何因此要向大眾道歉？抑或，大眾是想以要求阿嬌之名來上演一齣公審戲，又名《特區十大酷刑》？

B is for Blow Job (a.k.a. KJ)

口交是今次事件的第一主角。在陳冠希的陽具前，「淑女」也會變了大眾從未見過有此神態的另一個人。當陳為對手「口交」時，鏡頭下的「天使」與平日模樣又是大不一樣。兩者都鞏固了男性的優越感。但更觸動大眾神經的，應是前者——口交一直被認為是取悅男性的「手段」，因為它是「骯髒」的，加上鏡頭前「甘之如飴」的都是知名女藝人，大眾——不論男女——的心理難免會又愛又恨，又妒又羨。

陳冠希選擇紀錄口交而不是不同姿式的性行為，誰說不是出於追求心理滿足多於肉體滿足。

C is for Cecelia / Consumption / Conspiracy

張柏芝的羅曼史將來不難成為回憶錄、暢銷書、電影、電視劇。所以找她拍電視劇《周璇》是注定失敗——在命途多舛的金嗓子之前，張只有更larger than life。在這方面，她與謝霆鋒確是「地設一雙」，分別只在一個是後天培養，一個是生下來便要成為「名人／藝人」。張在照片風波中沒有「破壞(個人)形象」的問題，只有「(倫理)角色衝突」的矛盾——丈夫是圈內人，自己又是一個孩子的母親，「自由」已經不屬於她了。所以傳媒對張的消費，一直指向(搗碎) 她的「家庭」。

是「策略」，也是「陰謀」。

D is for Desperate / Desire

Desperate Housewives一直沒有最佳中文譯名，因為desperate是種只能意會，不能直譯的狀態。不是完全沒有，廣東話的「猴擒」、「擒青」便能傳神地道出我們的飢餓。

陳冠希照片事件是一次「香港人有幾desperate」的鮮活寫照。Desperate的，也就是極度心癢難熬和飢渴的，是這邊廂很想得到(否則不會演變成照片沒有「源頭」)，但又不屑不齒相中所見事物；很想跟人討論交流，但又要先表明道德立場；很想事件有更重口味的發展，但又不願反問自己為何有此傾向；很想有人為事件付出巨大代價，但又不認為自己的消費態度也會有代價；很想很想得到很多，但又不知道自己真想和最想要什麼。

Desperateness的源頭，正是搞不懂「想」和「要」。原來陳冠希比我們更清楚什麼是他的「想」和「要」。

E is for Edison / Ego / Envy

如果那個人不是陳冠希，誰會更有「資格」與一眾疑似或涉嫌與案有關的女星拉上「性」關係？說到涉嫌，現在是任何女星都有可能，因為陳冠希有條件令不可能成為可能。說真的，我倒想知道陳的同輩藝人怎麼想——假設男性的天性之一是「競爭」。

儘管在事件未發生前，他的一言一行均已是引發妒忌的火種。「賺夠2000萬美金便退休，現時已距離不遠」云云。陳冠希某程度上是集《鹿鼎記》中的康熙與韋小寶於一身。他既是CEO，又是街頭小子，的確會叫還未找到自己的年輕男性「暈眩」。「暈眩」源於失去方向感，陳冠希之所以激怒很多男性，是因為這些照片令他們相信沒有事物是不可能的，但一照鏡子，又要面對因為條件不及陳冠希，不可能就是不可能。

作為這次事件的受害人之一，陳卻被視為是罪魁禍首，說到底可能還是與他的條件給很多人帶來了身分焦慮和自卑感有莫大關係。

F is for Fetishism / Friendship

照片是「物件」。又因為被拍攝的對象(物)經過「構圖」會給觀者帶來欲望(與滿足)，所以，我們可以通過鏡頭來透視一個人的靈與慾。由手機附帶攝錄功能，到每個部落格上都少不了照片瀏覽，充分說明這是個「物」比「人」重要的時代。聆聽不再比觀看重要。「觀看」作為感官之一，確是更能令我們掌握生命的「價值」：說話不可能被量化，但食物、風景，統統都可以。由此可知，「經驗」已失去了被心領神會的意義，它(們)就是要經歷首先被「物質化」，再加以炫耀，繼而才能所謂「分享」——其實是害怕「口講無憑」。

每個人都要手執保障自己／證明自己的token(籌碼)才能自覺存在，彼此友誼(以及其連結)如是也由戀物來維繫。

G is for Gillian / Guilty / Girl

香港文化並不鼓勵「女孩」變成「女人」。一聽到別人尊稱她為「女人」，大多數廿歲以上的香港女性均會流露聞到異味，或踩到異物的神態。早上幾年，可能還附送一聲「啋！」。「女孩」與「女人」之差別，在處女膜。

香港女性一方面甚少受離家文化影響——不像台灣大陸，為了求學、工作，女性一樣要離鄉背井，獨立便是第一步。雖說那不代表就是「精神獨立」，起碼被一般人認為需要照顧的性別也要面對獨立生活。

香港女孩最需要思考的問題是社會為什麼不讓她們替自己負責，卻是一味鼓吹等待幸福——終生被「愛」你的男人保護；而換取「幸福」的代價，就是讓男人把本來是「女孩」的你變成「女人」。

「阿嬌」是這樣文化下的產物，因這次事件使她的「內外不一」曝現人前其實是對這種文化的最大諷刺。社會以無形壓力迫使她對唔戴眼識人「認錯」，是因為不能接受被諷刺之故。

諷刺什麼？當然是封建和自欺欺人。

H is for Hypocrite / Hypocritical

「虛偽」兩隻字在報章頭條上被放大，首先使人深思的，倒不是被它們指控的當事人(阿嬌)有幾表裏不一、言不由衷，而是兩隻字被看到的背景，以及從中引伸出來的定義。

如果我們都能明白，及實事求是地接受一份報章可以在新聞版道貌岸然，在風月版卻是「大滾友」，那麼，要求一個廿六七歲的女藝人徹頭徹尾是童話中的仙子或公主，便是選擇性地提出指控。因為，藝人明顯是娛樂工業一部分，「童話」的存在是補償現實中不能達成的美夢，只有兒童(天真)或思想不成熟的人(幼稚)才會相信看似童話人物的藝人是活在現實世界中的卡通人物。

為什麼有些人可以一邊如此世故，同時又如此無知？抑或，無知不過是一種偽裝，為的是開脫自己的鋤弱扶強？以譴責阿嬌「虛偽」為例，只要認識問題的本質，任何人都知道她的「虛偽」只是服膺虛偽的娛樂制度，甚至是媒體制度——「她」的「純情」，難道不是由這些制度按照市場需求而塑造？大眾渴望她永遠保持貞潔，但在渴望背後又隱藏覑對她的性幻想——何嘗不是出於充滿吊詭和抑壓的欲望？

不去反思自己的矛盾，偏去怪罪一個平日盡量替大眾「圓夢」，卻因一次意外而打碎集體幻想的藝人「虛偽」，請問是誰的不誠實和說一套做一套對社會造成更大的誤導和影響？

即便阿嬌真是「虛偽」，她「口不對心」的理由已是人所共知，但在這時候還以道德之名搖旗吶喊要她「全盤交代」者，目的卻是希望消費過程中更多細節(甚至牟利)，那就更是典型賊喊捉賊，真的很虛偽。

I is for Ignorance / (Dis)illusion

陳冠希照片風波的社會意義可分成消費和反思兩種。它們當然不是非黑即白。有些是消費佔九十巴仙，思考才一點點。另一些是消費之餘，覺得它帶出大量議題和問號，這些議題和問號既不是因這次事件而起，也不會隨事件平息後消失；相反，食髓知味者會繼續尋找類似題材再接再厲——在物質層次追求「問題」的來龍去脈，結果只會是同一問題的recycling。真要說到一次事件與另一次事件的差異，那也只會是無關宏旨(trivial)的細節，以今次事件為例。它的本質和過去或將來的名人醜聞可說全無改變，都是把集體的性抑壓以消費別人的不幸來宣泄。

不能在不斷重複的經驗中學乖，是因為沒有進步的自覺？抑或，在一個物質掛帥的社會裏，跳不出消費框框是我們的宿命？

J is for Justice

陳冠希引起的「公憤」，那個「公」字誠屬可圈可點。明明是他的私隱在非自願情下被公開消遣，卻因為「他害苦了幾名女藝人」而必須站出來「向大眾交代事件的全部過程」。因為有人名節受到「損害」(damage)，所以，「大眾便有知道全部真相的權利」。與此同時，「損害」女藝人的主要證物——性愛照片，卻無日無之不斷被放在公眾空間供大眾評頭品足或感嘆「女藝人何其虛偽」。

如果你會被上述的邏輯弄得昏頭轉向、啼笑皆非，我想有此感受的不止一個人。說明了「公義」的定義可以隨著利益和立場的改變而轉變。「公義」理應源自公理。最顯淺的公理是「己所不欲，勿施於人」，但從今次事件可見，媒體與網民在發布事件最新材料上的不落人後，完全是以滿足大眾的欲望為出發點。

「公義」，成了吃餬的一張百搭牌。

K is for Killer

奇拿在《死亡筆記》中是個替天行道者。如果陳冠希案中真有手執所有照片與錄像片段的「殺手」，他的動機又是哪一種替天行道，抑或是要復哪一種仇？

太多了。正如前述，許多得不到被教育、被灌輸必須得到某些東西的人都自覺是被辜負、被背叛、被遺棄、被犧牲的「失敗者」。尤其在這「每個人都有15分鐘成為名人」的時代裏，失敗者的傷痕、仇恨並非來自個人恩怨，而是如大坦克車般把他(或她)壓扁的「成功意識」。

名人成為被媒體開刀的對象，是身分地位焦慮大幅度發酵的必然結果。在這種社會風氣之下，欲望造成我們內傷，受傷更不會令我們明白休養生息的重要，反之，只會加深對欲望追求的迫切感。既然積極無用，消極的滿足——如摧毀別人——也能帶來成就感。

都說奇拿揭穿藝人的荒淫虛偽，但誰敢說易地而處，「他」不會一樣物盡其用？所以，我們就是奇拿，奇拿就是我們。「我們」就是不敢挑戰建構大眾欲望的制度，而只敢讓條件容或比我們好，但同樣是受害的人活得不好過。

L is for Link

「連結」這個詞的意義是被陳冠希事件改寫的4個詞彙之一。另外3個是「疑似」、「朋友」、「源頭」。經陳冠希事件一役，「連結」不再是單純存在於網頁與網頁之間的關係，它變成一種默契，一個暗號，一種令網民感覺自己屬於某個秘密組織的認同，通過進入這些「連結」，大家猶如聽命於同一首領，一個「黨」或「幫派」如是成立。

這種權力結構符合了男性世界的團結心理，箇中內容更是大多數男性趨之若鶩的「性」。由此或可推想，從以往男性在網絡空間各自為政地看「鹹相」，今次事件也許會像「芝麻，開門」，未來將大大增加男性「分享」情色資訊的意欲和合作。或可以說，是「性」令網上的男性更加團結，團結的程度，從近期數百網民上街對抗警權可見一斑——以往都說網民只會躲在虛擬空間，但因陳冠希事件，他們不但現身現實，還挑戰現實。

政治沒有的力量，「性」有，原因是？

M is for Morals

阿嬌也好，陳冠希也好，二人在今次事件中蒙受的損失再大，承受的壓力再大，在媒體和大眾眼中，都不能開脫「影響年輕人道德觀」的責任。

什麼是「年輕人道德觀」？

在權威(泛指家長)的理想中，年輕人都是白紙，並且以保護他們繼續「白紙」下去之名來禁制他們從經驗中找到自己，認識自己。有一次我在某教會中學便聽過一位校長理所當然地說：「外面的世界如此混亂，我不能容許我的學生和它發生任何接觸。」我的第一個反問是：「你打算讓他們一輩子住在校內？」她明顯把「我的」看得比一切重要。

每個成年人都曾是年輕人。很多今日說要保護年輕人不讓他們被不良風氣腐化的父母，過去都曾反抗以同樣道理壓制他們的上一代。但在今天，他們不想子女道德淪亡的同時，自己的人際與情慾關係卻無比複雜混亂。我的意思是，不知多少人是消極利用道德來避免「問題」的產生，反而不去教育子女(或自己)以多角度思考和培養辨別是非能力來回應人生中的什麼是對和錯。

陳冠希事件在很多「家長」眼中的「罪惡」，乍看是「性」，其實主要還是「不能吃虧」的功利心態。誰叫「性」在我們的社會中一向不被看成是人格發展的重要一步，卻是某種的話事啤——最緊要籌碼？

在向來重「著數(好處)教育」而輕「道德教育」的香港地，成年人們總是要年輕人成為他們自己不能成為的那個人。

N is for Narcissism / Notebook / Necrophilia

照片中從不放過望鏡頭的陳冠希的猶如水仙花。渴望藉照片滿足欲望的人則像希治閣電影《迷魂記》的男主角詹士史釗活。在經歷一次情慾關係的失敗後，不再追求新經驗的他，只能把對一個死去女人的欲望重塑在另一個女人的肉體上。是他失去希望，導致他的欲望也少了應有的生命力。

利用陳冠希這些照片的人其實沒有「分享」到他的自戀，相反，他的眼神或只會令一些人「自慚形穢」，於是連帶影響他們對照片中的女藝人的觀感——只要明知自己條件比不上陳，現實中對陳說「Yes!」的女性便有可能對他說「No!」，女藝人的相片如是成為最佳的心理補償品——就像死屍一般，她們沒有拒絕的能力。

是陳冠希以照片形式令他們的欲望變成「死物」，他們才能從陳給他們造成的無力感中得回操控欲望的權力。

O is for Obsession

沉迷是一種徵狀。日本人將沉迷化成藝術，造就名叫達人的收藏藝術家。達人能從普通人的境界中昇華，是有「病人」的執迷，卻比「病人」理智清醒。他們把收藏變成藝術，他們的精神，其實與藝術家無異。

假以時日，陳冠希拍攝的這些照片未嘗不可能讓他既成達人，又是藝術家──他收藏的是自己的作品。「收藏」或許也有公開展覽一天(如果沒有今次事件)：或是社會風氣變了、開放了，不再把情慾當成禁忌或籌碼，並且懂得分辨藝術和無聊的差別——疑似張柏芝的好些照片，以至某些口交照片都有一定美學價值(衛道之士請不要指摘我這樣寫是鼓吹青少年進行模仿，即便青少年真的拍了類似照片，美就是美，美的標準只能在藝術的標準下被評論，正如不能因為一個人善良和正直，他的畫就自然「美」，道德成就不應該被等同為藝術成就，反之亦然)。

簡單來說，陳作為攝影師，他有他的「眼睛」。

但社會上大多數人看待這些照片，除了「淫賤」還是「淫賤」，這當中豈不反映出一個可能性：陳冠希的沉迷為他留下「惡名」外，也留下有可能成為藝術品的一些照片，而沉迷於性和身體單一被看作「引人犯罪」的我們，則一如柏拉圖著名的「洞穴神話」中被鎖在山洞裏的野人，看見牆上被火光投影的樹和山便以為是世界的全部？

到底是什麼令我們如此害怕和逃避真實世界？害怕和逃避的程度，直逼一種沉迷？

P is for Philosophy

一件小事都可以觸發思考，何況大事如天天在報章頭條上和我們打招呼的陳冠希照片事件？按照事態發展，不幸中之大幸是沒有「弄出人命」——媒體今日傳言這個自殺，那個崩潰，還有「江湖中人下追殺令」——事件的嚴重性可想而知。那樣一樁大事，理應讓我們好好問明「這是怎麼一回事？」。

由看似簡單的問題開始，其實是藉此離開物質世界而進入觀念世界。何謂觀念？連小孩子都會回答：「那便是我們心裏所想的。」在今次事件中，大眾執著的無一不是「觀念」，譬如道德、公義、誠信(虛偽)、責任、真實、藝術等。但在媒體上談到這些觀念時，卻經常出現人們對於它們的含意只有顯而易見、籠統的定義，像「道德很重要」，但就沒有說明道德有多少層面，它在什麼時候發揮的力量對最多人和長遠來說是最有利。

意思是，我們好像在探索事件的本質和意義，實際上卻受制於觀念的含糊而使許多討論變得以偏概全。

陳冠希事件必然會把討論帶到探求心靈品質的範疇內，只不過許多當前被社會大眾提出的問題都不是以釐清思想為目標，自然不可能給目前的困境(看來事件將無止盡無了期地「發展」下去)找到出路。

「我們能夠做什麼？」——重點可能不在「做」，而是更應清楚了解「什麼是我們？」

Q is for Questions

這次事件讓你想到多少有關自己的問題？
這次事件讓你想到多少你不想討論的問題？
這次事件讓你想到多少你不懂得如何組織的問題？
這次事件讓你想到多少以前沒有想過的問題？
這次事件有沒有讓你在問問題中認識到更多自己？
這次事件有沒有讓你在問問題中發現更隱藏的自己？
這次事件有沒有讓你在問問題時更明白自己的想法？
明白自己的想法有沒有幫助你把今次事件看得更清楚？

R is for Responsibility / Role Model

陳冠希與阿嬌是今次事件中「暴風眼」。憑阿嬌在公益事業上對社會的貢獻，她領取「十大傑出青年」本來指日可待，現今卻因在艷照風波中被看見與人有性行為，由於她被公認是青少年成長路上的良伴與模楷，「失身」事小，「失職」事大，真要社會大眾對她如以往般寵愛，她要面對的是即便不是滿途荊棘，也將是漫漫長路。

至於陳冠希，「賤男」的權杖由梁榮忠手上接過，雖不排除暗中仍有人對他投以艷羨目光，但公開叫罵者只會有多沒少。

很明顯，社會對二人身受的痛苦不予同情，是因為我們假設了「偶像」的責任就是代替父母、老師「教好」年輕人們，而不是父母、老師自覺自己應該先教懂年輕人該如何面對、閱讀、反思流行文化在他們成長過程中扮演的角色。

試想想，「偶像」在社會中的角色和商品無異，但是會有父母、老師叫一張按摩椅「教好」年輕人嗎？一張按摩椅有可能「教懂」年輕人什麼是忠誠和潔身自愛嗎？

把「偶像」的「代言」當成「真言」，若是發生在入世未深的年輕人身上還「情有可原」，我們的社會卻是身為家長，老師者跑出來吶喊「我被騙了」，這個現象，在荒謬、荒誕、荒唐3個形容詞中，哪一個才最適合？

長大代表有覑承擔責任的能力和意願，它也是對生命進程有覑好奇和熱誠。今天看來，Twins受歡迎於3歲至80歲甚至足以象徵某種香港精神，可能反映出這個社會的人有不少是抗拒成長，因為他們抗拒責任。

S is for Source / Suspect

無獨有偶，「源頭」和「疑似」同時在Ｓ這個字母下找到了它們的家。前者經陳冠希事件洗禮後，代表網絡世界向權威的警方面上打一巴掌。警務處助理處長笑騎騎的「就算沒有捉到『源頭』，但已非常接近『源頭』」言猶在耳，「源頭」的定義已變成「沒有源頭」，或「處處都是源頭」。《廿二世紀殺人網絡》的複製人場面原來可以這番面貌出現在眼下的香港。

接下來更發現被扣押的「源頭」根本不足以入罪。疑犯被當庭釋放的前一日，新照片又有兩張面世。結果是，「疑似」犯罪者原來不是元兇，被戴上「疑似」帽子的受害人卻一一站出來脫下帽子。短短兩周，香港人在「源頭」和「疑似」兩個名詞中見識了一場從字面到意義上的大混亂。

T is for Twins / Taboos / Tattoos

陳冠希事件令Twins的雙生兒命運從此不一樣——我認識一個自阿嬌阿Sa出道至今年1月27日前還分不開誰是誰的朋友。但在阿嬌幾近日日登上報章頭條之後，他發現即便Twins跟往常一樣二人同場出現，他的眼睛大部分時間都在留意阿嬌。

阿嬌好像少了一些什麼，又多了一些什麼。阿Sa卻仍舊是阿Sa。所以，是看不見的一些東西令阿嬌更被看得見，短期內阿Sa要在阿嬌身旁爭回目光還真不容易。

看得見和看不見在事件中的另一層意義，是如何藉大小特徵進行對相中人是真是假的驗明正身。張柏芝的紋身如是成為關鍵。可以想像、經歷網民、媒體的放大和多番鑑證，同樣的紋身對張芝將有極不同的意義——誰願意自己喜愛的東西，有一天反過來成了使自己受傷害的指控。

女人的禁忌之一，是她們的情慾只可以被想像，但不能被看見。

U is for Un

Unloved——不被愛的人會把渴望被愛轉化成對自己的傷害；
Undesired——不被欲望的人會對自己的欲望抱持輕視，甚至鄙夷；
Uncivilized——欲望是由文明建構，欲望也是由文明控管。唯有打破欲望規條才能使人得到自由。但那將被視為顛覆社會秩序，是不文明的。
Uncontrollable——欲望不能被控制，但可以昇華。陳冠希的照片或可提供一個問題的思考：拍攝者的動機，有沒有可能是想讓他對相中人的欲望昇華？(如果你能從拍攝構圖和被拍者的神態看到攝影師與她們的情感互動)

V is for Vanity / Victory / Victims

拍照要拍得開心，虛榮心不可缺。否則在鏡頭前，我們會無所適從。每一張被拍者豎起Ｖ字手勢的照片，都讓人看見以下信息：一是他或她認為勝利手勢帶來最佳狀態 (姑勿論有幾人Ｖ我Ｖ)；二是在最佳狀態下留影，將令相片更有分享(給人看)與保存(給自己看)價值。虛榮心，便是滲透於拍攝一張寄望人家讚賞、自己欣賞的照片的時候。

女藝人們在陳冠希照片中留下了明知不會被大眾讚賞的影像，但每一個的神態都是自己欣賞的。從這角度看來，不管嘴裏含什麼或身體哪個器官成為焦點，她們的眼神大多流露對鏡頭——也是拍攝者的信任和戀戀。有著感情的眼神，使這些照片不同於為了賣錢而拍的色情照，它們縱然也有展覽成分，但被展示的不只是身體，更多的其實是被欣賞的愉悅。

是某種所謂虛榮的被滿足。

如果相中不是赤裸或半裸，它們其實和一般男友替女友拍的沙龍照差不了多少——差不了多少的地方在被拍者的被釋放感——是「他」讓她覺得自己有吸引力和美。

數十年後，我們也許才能因為事過情遷平心靜氣的看到這些照片除了身體，還有別的。必然要到那些年後，我們才可能會覺得相中女藝人的神情面貌，是在陳冠希的鏡頭下才被捕捉到。必然是要到那時候，我們可能才有機會明白「受害人」所受到的各種損害並非盡是來自照片本身，而是我們看它們(也是她們)的眼光。

W is for Witch-hunt

「抓女巫」的最恐怖之處，是抓到後來，每個人都會被發現和女巫有關係，最後，沒有人不是該死的女巫，因為「抓女巫」的終極目的是剷除異己。即是，不是自己便是異己。

社會對待非我族類者的非理性排斥，必先要有大眾支持。但大眾可以是工具，而且這工具很好利用——只要他們的觀點一致，口徑一致。例如才聽見「道德」便一呼百諾，而不是聽清楚聽明白前文後理。

陳冠希事件在網上和媒體燃燒至今，趨勢是牽連愈多人愈好。大眾似都情願把時間用在迅速繁殖的人物關係圖表，相片本身，卻似乎沒有被看清楚。這有點像證據還未成立，警方已在大肆搜捕和檢控。警察這樣做會被非議，但當我們自己犯上同樣毛病，卻鮮有人提出危險就在前面。

X is for CGX

這不是為陳冠希辯護的文章。但在全體香港市民對抗陳冠希之際，我們必須檢視他和他的相片是否也是一種催化劑。他和他的相片如果出現在另一種文化和另一個社會下，自必有不同後遺。如果是中東國家，則不可能被印成人手一本的照片集。如果是歐美，也不可能在照片版權仍未澄清屬誰便被媒體搶閘用來牟利。隨便兩個例子，便已說明我們這個社會一方面對事件咬牙切齒，與此同時又接受平面媒體以公眾有知情權的名義來剝削一眾受害人，包括陳冠希。

陳冠希拍攝這些相片是否不道德和他在事件中有沒有受到剝削兩件事情不應混為一談。但大眾對待事件的態度一直有被媒體操弄之嫌，多少印證了香港人喜歡談論卻不擅長思考。只是未經思辨的邏輯又怎能成為將人入罪的控訴？是否因為隨便談論別人不容易被追究責任，我們才肆無忌憚人云亦云？

責任是「一個人必須做的事」，一個社會出現這麼多無從理清頭緒的「問題」，作為其中一分子，什麼是我們必須做的？

Y is for Y-me

任何誰都會在發生不幸時問「何必偏偏選中我？」。陳冠希和一眾受害人卻較難在今次事件中有此一問，因為答案太簡單了：「名人」在光，任何時刻都會更易被選中。

但是除了實際的被選中，也有另一層面的「避無可避」：有財富，有地位的人原來一樣要面對「成長」的磨難的痛苦。甚至，愈是擁有某些特權的人愈讓我們看見磨難與痛苦的加倍。

如果真要讓年輕人在今次事件中得到啟發(誰說成年人不需要？)，它可能就是如何才能在眾聲喧嘩，卻沒有幾多不同想法和看法的社會找到能夠讓我們獨立思考的空間？

Z is for Zzzz……

下午5時提筆，清晨7時完稿，還可以睡一個兩小時的覺。

不去會死！

2008-01-24T06:20:00.000-05:00

作者：石田裕輔
旅行時間：連續7年5個月
訪問國家數：87國
行進距離：94,494公里
爆胎次數：184次
旅費：台幣17萬；
強盜搶劫: 1次
墜入愛河次數：？次

　　「既然降生到這世界上，就要好好看遍它，親眼找出世界第一。」

The author was just a regular clergyman, and it is because of this feeling of having to figure out what is #1 in the world by his own standards, that he set on this journey to travel around the world!!!
He feels that he has to travel the world by his own two feet, not just by plane or by bus, but his own two feet!!! So he went on this long journey riding his bicycle...
Met a lot of follow travellers along the way, seeing Chichen Itza, Torres Del Paine, travelling the silk road, Sahara Desert...camping along the highways and on the snow banks, got robbed in the desert, on the verge of dying from local diseases... lots of great stories...
The best people are the ppl he met in Africa or South America where ppl are more poor, who were treating him with all they had and gave him shelter, where as in the big cities....
The book will have been great if there were more reflections about each place he visited... but I really do appreciate the determination that he showed in being able to complete the trip through so many hardships and sickness...

Makes me want to travel again!!!

Lust, Caution

2007-11-21T21:24:00.000-05:00

Meaning to writing this review ever since I saw it a couple of weeks ago...
It was first shown at the Toronto Film Fest with Tony Leung and the other actors coming, and we wasn't able to get the tix for it cause it was so much talked about...
so when it finally came out at the Vansity, I had to go see it...

This is one of the best films I have seen in quite a while and it made me believe in the power of movie again... how it is able to stir ppl's emotions, the power of story telling is superb, the acting is really really great, you can see so much depth and different levels from Tony Leung and also the new star Tang Wei...
Ang Lee was able to use the cinema language perfectly and so subtlety to tell a story that's so moving and touching, to reach into the depth of the soul to show how we are the same...

(Spoilers ahead...)

The story takes place in WWII when Japan was occupying parts of China and how a group of patriotic drama students decided to take matters into their own hands...
Wong Chi Chi(Tang Wei) found her calling in the drama club, as she is able to move audiences, and decided they had to use it for a purpose...kinda like "Heroes"
Their first target is Mr. Yee(Tony Leung), who is a traitor helping the Japanese ppl...closely guarded who won't go to any place that's dark and unknown..
So begins the task to seduce him...

There are a couple of key scenes, definite elements in the movie, one is when Wong takes the smoke from her friend's hands... the cigarette was first used during one of the scenes of acting and when she had decided to take up the role of Mrs. Mak, she took a cigarette by will and that's when the whole journey of "Acting" started...

In order to seduce Yee, Wong needed to learn some techniques, he had to lose her virginity for this "special training" as a big sacrifice and was looking helplessly to Lee Hong, whom Wong was in love with... but he just stood there without saying anything, as the only one from the group that knows how is a drunken bastard to learned his skills from some hookers...
There is a key scene where Wong just stood naked beside the window and looking outside... THis is very important, as it shows the state that Wong was in...
That the body is not really hers anymore and she is not afraid to show it, as she has already given it up as a tool for the "great cause"...it showed her determination...

But when they were notify that Yee had already left HK and went back to China, Wong broke down as she had lost her virginity for nothing and to a sick ugly little guy...and the group found how naive they were as their moves were watched by the underground gangs...so everyone needed to jet....

2 years passed and the chance came when Yee was spotted again and they can continue with their plan of assassination with the help of the rebels, Wong was more than happy to join in so she didn't sacrifice for nothing...

Sex Scenes

The sex scenes to me were there for a very good reason, as it showed Yee's insecurity as a person... through the body language and the face expressions, the state of the relationship between the two were easily uncovered...it showed how lonely Yee really is deep inside as he wasn't able to show it anywhere else... only when he is totally naked and vulnerable that he was able to be his true self...
In the very first "encounter", Wong was trying to play around with him and playing hard to get... Yee was very insecure and thought he was being rejected, so he got violent and beat Wong and kind of raped her...
In the sex scenes afterwards, Yee got a bit more relaxed but he never kissed Wong on the lips... cause that will be like giving out his real emotions... and it is not physical anymore...so it got more and more intense as they get more connected, not just physically, but by their body language...

There was a part where Wong had to meet Yee in a Geisha house...and ppl say that she was a disgrace to the Chinese as it was a place for Japanese to play with women and she went there willingly to be used by Yee...but just want to point out that the people who put her into the spot were the Chinese rebels... and she was doing it for the "good" of the country...not on her own will...

This is a great movie, great story telling with lots of hidden sentimental details...
which not alot of films can do nowadays... esp not with Hollywood anymore...
A must watch...
It is for mature adults of course....

2007-11-17T10:49:00.000-05:00

We are helpless even in the face of facts and reality,
because we lack the ability to discern and reflect,
All we can do it to record.

The world without imagination...

2007-10-25T00:42:00.000-04:00

"Violence is for those that has lost its imagination.
Has your country lost its imagination?"

This is from the manager of the hospital in Iraq,
where they had to care for hundreds and thousands of children, injuried men and women everyday, with pieces of missiles and metal fragments shot into the body...

It is because of the lack of imagination that the world has gone bad...
we always get into arguments and fights with others,
cause in the post modern, our feelings and stand point is very important, and it is our rights...
and so when ppl don't agree on things, the easiest way is just to see who is the stronger one and beat the heck out of the other till u have to surrender...
When parents dealing with their kids, when couples argues, when kids get into fights in school, cause they didn't see other ways to deal with it, so just start to shout and yell and shoot...

We only see others as an material object, an other, an "it", a number, a stat,
and don't look into ppl...
that they are actually a person with feelings, with their loved ones crying and worrying for them when things happens...

This is why a culture, arts, literature are so important...
to understand humanity,
with flesh and blood, thoughts and feelings...

When are we going to learn...

Shrine Circus

2007-08-09T09:45:00.000-04:00

Haven't been to a circus for a while, the last time was like 2 years ago to the Circus De Soule...
Just went to one of those very old traditional circus on the weekend,
one of those that are in the parking lots of a mall.
So I didn't really have many expectations for it,
as it is not really those "artsy" type circus where the focus is on the music and performance.

This one is really raw and traditional...
with a lot of kids there, riding on elephants, face paints, cotton candy,
horses, dogs doing different tricks...
some of the acts were really great to my surprise..
like shooting anchor at the small apple on top of someone's head...
or the elephants acts...really great to my surprise...

Then I realized that we really needed more of these attractions around us,
even though it is small, or not really "professional" to today's standards,
But it is very important as it inspires kids to actually dream,
stir their imagination, giving them the sense of mystery magic...
which is lost to the children of today... without the true sense of what childhood should be like...
as they are mostly in front of the TV, video games...
and the circus actually let they really be there to see and experience these magical trick...
I hear one of the kids said to her parents as they leave after the show...
That she wants to be in the circus when she grows up...
Well...even though we all know her chance of helping a circus is very slim...
but I think it is very beautiful to see a dream was dreamt at that exact moment...

Acting/Directing Class Part II

2007-04-28T12:02:00.000-04:00

Finish the directing class a week or two ago...
For this term, it was even harder than last term...
Last term we had to learn to act, having to anayalses the script, personalize who each of the character is to you in real life...
It is very very hard work...
because sometimes you had to go to really deep and dark places of yourself that no one knows about...

I had to play a killer in "Get Carter" who this professional actor...
Then I had to ask myself, in what situation will I really kill someone in real life?
Cause if i don't get this clear, I will only be "playing" an emotion or action, which is the worst acting EVER....
and ppl who knows how to act can tell in an instant that you are faking it...
So I had to picture the ppl who are closest to me, my gf, my family, my best friend...
what will I do if they were killed and murdered and I had to get revenge for them??
Will I kill then? and that's not enough...
I had to even picture how they die... maybe got beaten to death? killed by drunken driving? the body got all cut up?
The emotions that was in you on your way to see the body? How did it look when you first see their body...
the deeper and more detail u pictured it to be, the more real and intense the emotions will be...

Also the bigger the stake are, the better...cause there will be way more conflict in the scene...
I had to do an activity where I had to picture myself to be preparing for an Across fundraising dinner...
and lots of guests were coming...and these gifts...the set of magnets were not sorted out yet...
and if i don't sort out all of them and put them in a set of 8 in a gift envelope in like 10 minutes,
The donors will not give any more funding to Across and we had to close down...
So I gone crazy doing it...
(even though there is no way to do it, and that's the point of the activity and I cannot leave this activity no matter what)
and then a classmate, whom is suppose to play my gf's best friend...
just come in and tell me that she just got into a car accident and is in the hositpal now...
I have to go immediately....
So the big big conflict and tension was created... as to what am I to choose...

Even though it is pretty painful sometimes to do these things, getting the emotions out is really tiring...
and sometimes tears comes out and the negative feelings stay with u for a while...
it shows me how much work a REAL actor needs to do and lots of respect for them...
and I am also thankful that I have lots of life experiences that I can use to fuse the emotions if I needed...

Test the age of your brain

2007-04-28T11:55:00.000-04:00

This is a very great game...
Lucky that i am not that old and my brain is still working...
It is pretty funny that when u try to do it...
u can just visualize a line/path for the numbers...
try it...

http://www.excite.co.jp/world/english/web/?wb_url=http%3A%2F%2Fflashfabrica.com%2F&wb_lp=JAEN&wb_dis=2

2007-03-09T09:55:00.000-05:00

Another very good friend is going to leave for HK....again...
I have known Jacky ever since high school...
He is one of the rare rare friends that I have that I will call when I am most down and he will be there for me...
used to have afternoon tea with him and his sister and "black ghost" everyday after school...
we don't really do much at that time, but just hang out together all the time, and watch lots of Jap movies, concerts, and lots and lots of comics together... and used to play PS till very late at night...
We were so naive at that time, not that much wants in life, just let life passby as it comes...
Which I never get another chance to have days like that again...
Then me, Jacky and my brother all took part-time in the book store on the weekends, it would be really fun,
as it doesn't really seem like real work and all we do was hang around the malls
and read books during the office hours...
Then as we get more busier in life, got more distanced and less contacts...
But at the farewell dinner that night, when we talk about our "good old days" again,
the friendship is still like the same as yesterday...

Will miss you...
Hope you will do well and find what you are looking for in HK...

2007-03-02T15:43:00.001-05:00

"Never doubt that a small group of committed people can CHANGE THE WORLD. Indeed, it is the only thing that every did"
~Margaret Mead

2007-01-10T01:51:00.000-05:00

I am through with the past,
but the past is not through with me.

~ Magnolia

Urbana Day 1

2007-01-09T21:27:00.000-05:00

Didn't really have much expectation before going to Urbana...
I thought that it was to open my eyes and make a bit more clear as what i am to do...
as i always thought i already found my path and general direction to be doing film stuff or youth stuff...
So i thought it was to go to relax...as was pretty busy before with recording and other meetings...
i even brought two books with me to read...
And so i thought...

We carpooled to Buffalo airport and took the train to Chicago first...then transfer to St.Louis...
the train ride was really great and comforty... cause the seats were really huge...
there was even a observation deck to look out into the wheat fields...
gave me great time to relax and prepare for going into Urbana...
except that we can't really find any food to eat, cause it was Christmas Day and Boxing Day,
not that many resturants opened...

It was late at nite in the train and wasn't able to sleep...
so was talking to Yum about how we each came to know Christ...
and then she suddenly asked me if i have made up with God yet...
i was thinking in my heart...hmmm....what a silly question...
of course i did...
why do u even need to ask??

But then after thinking about it for a while,
I found that maybe i haven't...
After i left church for a couple of years...
and came to Across and back to church...
i wanted to filled lots of info and knowledge about Christians...
kinda to make up for the years that i missed...
but it never really went into my heart...
and i guess i know the Holy Spirit speaks to me and guide me...
but didn't really think there is really a spiritual battle...
so that's why lots of the times, i depended only on myself...

And i guess i always feel that i did lots of bad things in the past and hurted lots of ppl...
never really let myself go and forgave myself...
so there was always this distance.... with myself or with the big G...

So it was really great to have this reflection before getting to Urbana and it set the tone and objective for the whole thing...
to truly experierence God into my heart...to really see Him again...

Across U-hub Living the Dream Concert

2006-12-16T21:43:00.000-05:00

Trailer for the Living the Dream Concert that will be held in P.C.Ho Theater at Chinese Culture Center on Sat. Feb 24, 7:30pm and Sun Feb 25, 3:30pm

Pre-order ticket at www.acrossuhub.com

Directing/Acting Classes

2006-11-30T00:43:00.000-05:00

I am taking this class that's suppose to be for helping you how to direct actors...
and they say, if you want to know how to direct, you need to know how to act first...
so that you will know how hard it is for actors/actress to express themselves when have to be on the spot...

well...didn't think will have any problems at first, cause i did have some drama experience back in the days...
i don't like to do any public speaking...let alone acting...
but then, cause the class is really small, it is different to act for a whole audience, cause u don't really see any of the ppl down there when the spotlight is on you...so i can be free and do whatever...
so...in this small room full of ppl of different race...it is pretty hard...
forcing you out of the comfort zone...

One of the excise that we learn that will help actors connect is call a "word repetition" game...
that's when two ppl sit opposite of each other, knees to knees, eyes to eyes...
to fully observe any details about the other person, and just keep repetiting the words till there are new observations...
like a ping pong game, bounce back and forth....
will be like "You are scared", "You are scared"....."You are tense", "You are tense"
back and forth...
the purpose is so that the words will keep the brain occupied while your true emotion will be able to come out without thinking it through...

it is pretty interesting...
cause through the games, i learn about myself and others as well...
i can see that the partner that i choose to do this game with,
is someone that i have confidence to "manage", that i can control the whole process without making a fool of myself in front of the class...
somehow, the teacher was able to see this, maybe cause my tone was there to "help" or "teach" the other person how to do this...
and she said "Being safe doesn't get you the best stuff, creativity wise"...
which is pretty true, for me,
i guess i do things the same in many areas of my life,
choosing to do the safest thing so no one will be able to comment on them...
but i think i have change bit by bit these couple of years,
cause i know that no matter what you choose to do, ppl will comment and critiize it no matter what...
so as long as you are true to yourself and do what you feel is right...

Another thing out of this excise,
is that, when the words or phrases are repeated too long,
ppl will try to "act", which means trying to play an emotion, rather than just let the emotion play itself out...
they want to make it to be more interesting...
and that's the worst acting, lowest form of acting there is, playing an emotion, rather than feeling the emotion and then use it to drive the action...
cause "the reality of acting is in the doing itself", truly doing the action with emotion droven...

Then the teacher say that...
we need to be confident that,
just by sitting there, being yourself, is already interesting enough...
don't need to make up other stuff to be special...

I think it is so true in life...
i see ppl around be very afraid of silence...
or afraid they don't have anything to say...
so will make up lots of things to say... try to be funny...
will talk about other ppl, or putting ppl down...
try to show they are superior or smart...
but lots of time, it is just trash that comes out of the mouth...
don't you know that being silent is a message in itself?

It is this feeling of wanting to feel special, trying to get peoples' attention that often hurts people around you.

思想體檢報告

2006-11-20T18:46:00.000-05:00

From 思想體檢報告

· 重義氣，對朋友全心全意的付出不會佔別人便宜。
· 與世無爭、步調從容、態度圓融，做人處事低調內斂。
· 順其自然、性格中庸、單純，做人處事以和為貴，容易與人相處。
· 為人正直，痛恨投機取巧者。
· 不推卸責任，骨子硬。
· 求知慾強烈，能將所學運用自如。

缺點：
· 理想主義者，作決定欠缺實際利益考量。
· 缺乏遠見、欠缺責任感與危機意識，應學習先思後行以免因為做了欠缺考量的決策而吃虧。
· 不知變通、冷漠。
· 會因為能力強而高傲、看不起光說不練之人。
· 因為自傲而漠視社會輿論。

Bright Future

2006-10-19T16:45:00.000-04:00

First film that i did ever, which was back in 2003.
It was shot with just one roll of 8mm, with a very nice Super 8 camera from the UT Hart house.
It was shot for a Super 8 film fest at the time and there was a live band playing jazz to accompany it.

It was a time when i feel that i was struck in my job working in an office. Didn't my parents say that i will have a great future and a great job waiting for me once i finish university? Is this going to be it for me?
So this film was born...
I purposely shot it straight on, just let it run, to reflect and to show a sense of realism that is experienced in real life.
You feel that it is boring just looking at him work?
Well, aren't you doing the same thing everyday at your job?

On Funeral

2006-09-28T01:56:00.000-04:00

"I would rather participate in life than write a hundred stories." ~Thomas Mann

I hate to do shooting more and more now...
well...for events that is...
but cause ppl know that u know a bit about video shooting...
will push you to do it everytime...
and the most recent one is my aunt's funeral...hate it hate it....!!!!!

i already told my mom many times that i don't want to do it...
cause it is very weird to me...
having to shoot a dead person...and esp. one of my own relatives...
and what do i do when i see ppl crying in the funeral?
do i capture it too? like i do when i am doing a wedding?
and having to see the whole thing through the screen of the video camera...
it is as a third person's view...that i am not part of this event, like an outsider...
is like i am not existing in the same space...
i think funeral is a place where the person can be remembered and the family and relatives can let the sadness comes out...
and in a way, let the tears heal each other...
being this "outsider, i can't fully absorb the atomsphere...
was not able to grief and let my emotions out...

all i can think of is to observe the "audience"... what they are feeling...
what type of interactions they may have had in my aunt's life...
try to feel their sadness as a third person and think of what i can write about it...
HATE IT!!!!!!

In remembrance...

2006-09-28T00:59:00.000-04:00

It was Sunday afternoon, while i was having lunch with my brother and sisters after worship...
then suddenly got a call from my mom, who rarely calls me on my cell...
and i can hear her voice being a bit shaky... but pretend to be calm at first...
just a moment later just burst out in tears and said...
"#2 aunt may not be able to make it... you should come to the hospital right away..."

Almost all the sisters from my mom's side have moved to Canada together
and we will always have these big family gatherings almost every week...
there will be about 20 ppl all clamped into one house..including all the kids and stuff...
and so the family ties are really close...
and my #2 aunt had always been really faithful in church....
kind and helpful to everyone...

When i arrive at the ICU, i can see almost everyone of my relatives there already,
everyone looking very grave and some still having tears in their eyes...
i couldn't really believe this is really happening, it was all so sudden,
my aunt had a brain stroke...
there was no signs or warnings...
she was at home going to take a shower
and the next moment, she fell to the floor...
was not able to breath on her own, only the heart is still pounding...
and by 6pm, the doctor declared her offically brain dead and passed away...

My mom told me that she was really glad that the 4 sisters had a gathering the night before...
where they were able to share their struggles...
and one of the struggle that my aunt was having...
was worrying about my cousin who have left God for a long time now...
also my little cousin who is studying aboard and my aunt had to be her guidance here...
but cause she was a bit hard to take care of...
cause the two cousins weren't getting along were in the same house...
they were helping for God's help...
then the next day, this happens...

My cousin was really upsad, but believe that they will be meeting again in the heavens...
and said that will still take up my aunt's will to take care of her...

If this is God's will...
as it is not always what we wished for...
will you still be able to obey and accept it when it goes for the wrong turn?

2006-09-28T00:36:00.000-04:00

Wow...just realized that i haven't written anything for almost 2 months...
too many things happening for the past months, too many things and thoughts crowded inside my head that is just struck there and can't get out...
even since my HK/Taiwan trip from April, then come back to City Mosaic, started a relationship...then being a youth mentor for the very first time in the camp, then the Toronto film fest where i watched around 14 films or more...then suddenly passing away of my aunt in one day's time, taking up this new acting/directing night class at Ryerson...all these happens in a couple of months time...

i feel that all these things need to be sinked in and digested...
that i was stuck in a state of blankness only till now begin to recover little by little...
hope i can be able to make sense of it, retrieve it from memory...and not let the experiences go to waste...

Life as a mathematical formula

2006-08-04T09:13:00.000-04:00

There are so many unknowns in life...
if we are to set some variables to define these unknowns, X (men), Y(women), Z(incident)
so for example, 2 guys having a fight maybe something like this X1 +X2 +Z = ?
or maybe a love triangle will be like X1 + X2 + Y + Z == X + Y1 +Y2 + Z == some negative number cause someone is going to get hurt for sure...

also there are so many changes in life, which we can call "derivatives" (dx)/(dy), where life changes every moment of the day, and we do an "integration", to collect all the changes (dx) in life and recreate the whole picture by adding all of these changes up...

There are so many ppl in life, so many things happening, changes every seconds...
what if we encounter something that we cannot understand or cannot solve?
like (This guy keeps bugging me and won't go away), (Need to buy a car/house and don't have enough money to pay for the down payment), (don't know about my calling or future direction)....
all these things are happening in your life... and wont' be able to solve it in the short term...
so can just put a bracket around them and just leave them alone for a while...and go on with other stuff..
sometimes after a while, the bracket may just opens up and goes away,
or you have found the unknown variables you need in other parts of life and will be able to work these brackets out...

there will for sure be ppl or incidents that gives you bad experiences or negative numbers...
but when you look at the whole picture, they are just a small part of your life long long LONG equation...
and we may need some of those negative experiences to counter another gloomy event later on in another stage...
which will make a positive outcome...

so don't be discourage for all the struggles and unknowns in life...

P.S. if you can use the Strong Law of Large Numbers on the world,
then you will be able to see God the all mighty exist....=D

P.P.S. Sorry for all these numbers and variables, just my calculus memory from UT coming back to haunt me...XD

2006-08-01T18:57:00.001-04:00

"Only when the glass breaks can light shine through."
~ Leonard Cohen

2006-07-24T14:44:00.000-04:00

今天遇上的困苦和等待，
是為了我們明日的脫變。

Lady In the Water

2006-07-23T23:04:00.000-04:00

Had been a fan of M. Night Shyamalan since his Sixth Sense movie and Signs...
cause his work is pretty orginial... don't really know what to expect in the end...

This movie's theme is that everyone has a purpose in the world, that we are all connected...
we may have doubts in ourselves on what we are to become,
"Who am I? i am nothing, i am just an ordinary guy, what talents do i have to change the world..."
But who knows... maybe we are not to be famous... but someone years from now will read or see our world and be inspired and make great changes around the world...
so don't give up...we are have our purpose and personal legends to chase after...

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. John 12:24

------------------------------------------------
There are lots of symbols and myths in there which i like...
some role as the guild, the translator, and healer...sort of like an RPG game, need to find all sorts of characters before the mission can be completed...
but i guess we all need someone ot translate the symbols and signs of this complicated world and be inspired like the purpose fo the narf in the movie...

Don't go to see this movie if you are expecting a horrow /Thriller film. It has some parts that are inspiring and touching... but i suggest to wait for the DVD...

On Sickness

2006-07-22T17:50:00.001-04:00

Haven't seen sick for quite a while...
This time is from my brother... who had a fever beginning of the week...
when i had to drive him around to work i guess i caught it gwa...
Just funny why the gems will only die down in one person when it is pasted to another person??

when i try to take the pills that i brought from last time to stop the running nose...
it had just expired in Apr...
so had to take the Neo-Citron... i kinda like the taste of it...
with a hint of sweet lemon taste...but bitter at the same time...
it passes the warmth into the veins of my body...
but just dont' like how it makes me sleepy...
maybe i do need a rest....

--------------------------------------
i actually like being sick once in a while...
without any strength in your body, you can just lay on the bed...
that i can take off all my burnens... all my masks and just lay there on my bed...
dont' have to be independent and try to take care of everything...
don't have to pretend to be strong and tough like i do everyday...
just to be a little child again...
that i need to be care for once in a while too...
to "ther" ppl around me...
to be upsad...or be mad for no reason...

I guess it is one of the ways for u to know if you love really love a person...
that's if you are able to do stupid things and be a child and show ur true self...
and trust that they will not laugh at u and think u r weak or stupid...XD

Thx mum...

An immigrant to the world

2006-07-21T00:17:00.000-04:00

Movies/books have made readers/viewers an immigrant to the world.
It showed us the other side of the world where there are hundreds of possibilities compare to what we call reality today.

What is reality? It is just a chain of consequences that came out with luck and butterfly effects, and defeated all the others. Sort of like there is only one sperm that can get into the egg and all the others dies.

Everytime a page is turned or a scene is opened, they show you what it may have been like and how it reflects on this ugly, shallow world that you never want to come back to. The problem is not getting back to reality, as it only needs a strong will and determination, and will be able to pull yourself out. The problem is not the listener, but yourself. How you can tell people around you what you have seen on the other side.

As Plato said, "You find that you are standing on the grounds / surroundings that you are familiar with, but you have become an alien with a foreign tongue that no one can understand."

Colorgenics Test

2006-07-20T17:45:00.000-04:00

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

Of late, everything seems to be going so slowly - far slower than you anticipated - and this is causing you much anxiety and frustration. It would appear that there is little you can do about the series of events that now seem to be taking place. In spite of the fact that you feel like 'giving up' - don't. Take a deep breath and start over again and you will find that eventually the expression 'All's well that ends well' will have an extra special meaning for you.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

----------------------------------------------------
go here for your own test
http://www.paulgoldin.com/colorgenics.htm

2006-07-20T09:33:00.000-04:00

無論如何，我們都是孤寂的。。。

Libido and Art

2006-06-30T09:45:00.000-04:00

All my life, I had a need to think painting, to paint in order to liberate myself from all the impressions, all the feelings, and all the anxieties of which the only solution I know is painting.

- Nicolas de Staë

I think it is kind of similiar to what Freud said about Libido, where libido means the energy of life. In his eyes, life is driven by sexual desire, love for oneself, for their family, even love for art or belief. And this energy is not unlimited, what is used up will not be recovered.

When things are not going their way in life, people will feel powerless and debilitated, the way to release these pressure maybe take it out on their loved ones, be it lovers or family and friends, go on a shopping spree, go drink till you drop, so to forget about it for a while.

Artists are usually consider to have a very strong Libido, and it is this pressure and drive from the energy of life that gives inspiration and muse to their artwork. They are usually more sensitive to problems in life around them, and in trying to solve them, be able to boarden their horizon and begin their creation.

When they feel pressure, anxiety, distress in life, will try to find out the source of these complications, analyses it face to face with reason, and consciously readjust its target to the projection of the libido energy. Not to give up and lose the battle easily and waste the chance to grow, but rather, infuse it attentively into their art and who knows, maybe able to change the world in the mean time.

Jacksoul

2006-06-24T15:41:00.000-04:00

Went to the Jacksoul concert with some good friends...

i always loved Jacksoul's music...
the music just has this beat that makes you want to dance to it...
and the voice of Hayden is so so nice...
very rich and powerful...
makes you want to just cry with songs like someday

Music is just so amazing and it touches ppl's heart so deeply...
i have to work hard on my guitar...

Very funny Cheer Video

2006-06-20T10:08:00.000-04:00

2006-06-20T02:20:00.000-04:00

A hurricane started to form down the stomach,
stirring up a tornado all the way up to the heart,
turning, twisting, crushing it like there is no tomorrow.

It doesn't just stop there,
taking its hardest revenge to the back of the head,
initiating a tsunami that floods the whole globe.

After it had build enough force,
with tidal waves that are couple of stories high,
it starts to attack the highly secured waterdam gates
that had been doing a very well job of defending for so long.

They just knows that it cannot break,
because if this stronghold is broken,
the whole thing will be over,
there will be nothing left.

But the impact is so great that it just demolish water gate within seconds,
breaking the rest of the body to millions of little shreds and pieces.

My Favorite Things

2006-06-06T09:47:00.000-04:00

Haagan Dazs Plain Chocolate Ice Cream,
Just get a bucket and scope away...

Red Wine with Thousand year old eggs.

Cotes du Rhone Red Wine while watching movie in basement.

Rusty Nail cocktail, having both the smoothness and the bite down your throat.

Coffee with Milo, really great...a must try!!

Smell of dark toasted Mandheling coffee beans.

A hot bowl of Tomato, Potato, ox Tail, on a cold cold snowy day.

The smell of burning firewood.

The sound of saxophone, guitar, and piano.

Cheer's Albums, all her songs, well, most of it.

Sade's music really loud while driving on the highway at night.

Stan Getz's Bossa Nova.

Love Letter's OST when traveling through mountains.

Cheer's songs while driving, is like you are going on a traveling trip.

Watching artist play guitar on stage and singing their own songs.

Watching people doing what they enjoy and have passion in it.

Stealing glances from beautiful strangers on the streets.

Girls with not a lot of makeup on,
Confidence is the best makeup.

Girl wearing just plain white tank top with blue jeans,
Don't need to overdo simple beauty.

When snow had just finish falling
Everything is covered in snow,
And there is no footprints or car tracks on the streets,
Everything seem so pure and quite.

Rain drops on a pebble walkway,
It is like painting it with color bit by bit.

The surface of a lake or pond when it is raining,There are lots of ripples on the surface, Creating really beautiful picture with music accompanying it.

The moment after the rain has stopped, the earth seems really quiet, Then slowly, the birds begins to come out, to tell the rest of the world to get up, The grass slowly rise its head up, and people start to come out from shelter.

The dripping of rain drops on the corner of the roof.

A really really hot shower, till my skin turns all red,
And a good thing about showers, you can't tell which are tears which are the water drops.

Watching children's' smiling face,
Just running around really happily,
Playing simple games (Not PSP!!)

The warmth from a fresh laser printout.

The muscle pain after an intense workout,
You feel you have really worked hard and makes you feel alive.

A causal walk in the walk at dawn, not that many ppl in the park,
Just one or two walking their dogs,
The gentle breeze of the wind moving the little green fingers of the trees,
Makes me clam and peaceful.

The smell of fresh cut grass.

Taking pictures, to appreciate what God created.

Sitting in the corner of the library reading with a ray of sunshine on me,
To let me feel the warmth and know that God is with me.

Small and cozy coffee shops on little side streets,
With a fireplace and a sofa,
Just to go sit, read and write.

When i think of all these things,
I don't feel so bad... ^__________^

When crisis comes

2006-06-02T23:44:00.000-04:00

When Crisis comes,
It usually comes in a bunch...

When Disaster strikes,
An oppounity is also at the corner...
There is always contingencies

When Crisis comes,
It is a test of how tough you really are...
How firm can you stand on your ground...
A turning point, a defining moment
and say is that all you got?

When Conflict comes,
It is a measure of the strength and weakness of your community...
Who are ready to to stick with you...
Who are not enough to take that extra step...

It is like a meter that tells you how close are people around you...
You can see some that will disappear right away...
Some just pretend they don't know you...
Some pretend that nothing happened...

It is also an assessment of how many real friends are there to support you...
offer you not only empty words...
but to stand behind your back...
and pull you out of the bottomless pit together..
never to leave you behind...

Thanks for the oppounity to make me strong...
and to see that i am being loved...

DSC_0587

2006-05-26T18:24:00.000-04:00

Scenes from a Party

2006-05-25T00:14:00.000-04:00

Everyone has their own problems and struggles, from family, relationships, friends, work, loneliness, sickness. We all have our own problems but just not willing to face them, we just look for ways to divert our attentions. Going to parties, getting drunk, being surrounded by people, we can temporarily get away from it all. But when the night is over, it is just even worst than before, because you just have to face the problem all the same.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry and Jessica had just had a big fight before going to Alex's party. Jessica and Jerry get into Alex's apartment, pretend they don't know each other, and just walks around the room and greet their friends.
Even though they didn't say it, but each of them was observing what the other person is doing, eyeing whom they are talking to. ..

Then John arrives with a gloomy face, didn't say hello to anyone, just sat down beside the table, went for a rock glass and poured himself a glass of Jim Beam. Who had just found out that his father passed away today from a heart attack...

Jerry is hitting on Jenny just to make Jessica angry. Jenny knows she was being used, but what can she do, this is the only chance to be close to him...

Everyone have their own reason to get drunk....
-------------------------------------------------------

Coming soon....

2006-05-13T22:00:00.000-04:00

整體性格
Joseph先生，心思細膩，品味獨到；親切友善，行事圓融，懂得享受生活；也有追求高品質，不拘小節，堅持原則的一面。
待人性格
Joseph先生待人：相當感性；既喜歡與人同樂也能樂於獨處；謙虛含蓄；會適度偏袒自己人；大方坦蕩但也能保守秘密。
處世性格
Joseph先生處事：不喜歡干涉別人；態度隨和；容易協商；把握重點兼顧細節；有些天馬行空；靈活變通游刃有餘。
性格缺點
Joseph先生性格的缺點為：比較浪費出手相當豪奢；有時候容易妥協不能擇善固執；偶爾會拖泥帶水不夠直接。
價值觀
Joseph先生重視的價值觀為：親密的感情；愛情的滋潤；傳播真理；較不擅長：鞏固權力；節儉守財；出頭爭先。
愛情性格
Joseph先生在愛情上較不適應急躁的進展步調，懂得製造浪漫，會吃醋但不過分；較常表現：善良包容，優雅大方，要求嚴格，積極主動。
金錢性格
Joseph先生的金錢觀：花錢很適度不浪費也不小氣，用錢會有妥善的計劃；容易把錢用於：享受浪漫，交際應酬，提升品質，滿足自我。

Not ready to write anything yet...
need more rest...and time..
to unpack stuff, and unpack my experiences...
still trying to upload the photos from trip and gather my thoughts..
doing this for now...

Taiwan...Day 4

2006-04-23T13:54:00.000-04:00

Very tiring...
a bit sick..cause of too much deep fried food and the air here is not that great...
my throat has been hurting for several days now..
but still have to go on....=P

just came back from Taichong today...
met lots of local ppl here...all very nice ppl and very welcoming..
taking me into their home and willing to show me around...

the concert is so great..finally my wish was fulfilled in seeing her LIVE....
Cheer's voice is so great..the singing is so so touching...

going back to HK tm nite...
bought too many books here in Taiwan...don't know how to carry it back...
hmmm..very very heavy...
didn't buy much of other stuff..cause didn't really go to the "tourist" areas...
and all the food have to be eaten here...can't really bring them back..
dont' know what to do...hmm...

already took like 300 photos in these 4 days...haha...

will write in more detail when i get back...

Material possesions == psychological fulfilled?

2006-04-04T23:20:00.000-04:00

Does more money really make someone more happy than ppl with less money??

As long as we have a certain min. amount of money to take care of our basic and necessary needs..like a shelter..food..clothes...it will already get to a certain level of happiness really fast..
and the more money that we spend...it will only add a little of what is already available, it will not surpass the level of happiness already achieved...

just like in economics...you can only get so much gain in the profits or returns on labour or utility...it is called marginal returns...you need to put in a lot of resource to gain a little bit more after you reach a certain equilibrium level...
Material objects just mimics what we feel as solutions to needs that we don't understand...
Cars and big houses are just material dimension solutions when what we need is psychological ones...

when getting a beer...do u really want a beer or u want the friends and happiness that u always see in the ads...

when getting a jeep...do u really want that Jeep? or the idea of being free and get out of the city and run wild off the roads...

when getting a diamond... do u really want just want that shiny stone on ur finger or the real love that it is suppose to symbolize?

" Mankind is perpetually the victim of a pointless and futile martyrdom, fretting life away in fruitless worries through failure to realize what limit is set to acquisition and to the growth of genuine pleasure." Epicurus

Why do we want to seek more money in life??
the ultimate goal is so that we can secure attention and respect from people around us..
to make us feel important and wanted...

If that's the case..then does it mean that we just need true friends and family that really love and support us for who we are in the end??

"Before you eat or drink anything, consider carefully who you eat or drink with rather than what you eat or drink: for feeding without a friend is the life of a lion or a wolf."

We don't really exist unless there is someone who can see us exist...what we say have no meaning unless someone is there to perceive it...just like a movie has no meaning if there is no audience to watch it and interact with it...

We also need to have a place where we can voice out and vent...
By writing a problem down, we begin to know its characteristics..., even though we may not be able to remove it...we can stop it from confusing us even more...

"When measured by the natural purpose of life, poverty is great wealth; limitless wealth, great poverty."

" There is nothing dreadful in life for the man who has truly comprehended that there is nothing terrible in not living."

Apr 3

2006-04-04T23:11:00.000-04:00

Haven't have a chance to write anything these days...essay due at school...2 exams next week...meetings and stuff...don't really have a chacne to get a good rest...

As well..not that great with emotions as well...for those of u that knows what i am going through..
please continue to pray for me...

Really looking forward to the trip next Friday...
only planned for the first week..which will be mostly in Taiwan..
i bought the ticket...which is pretty expensive..more than i thought...
still didn't get a solid contact with my frd's cousin yet...
booked one nite of hotel in TaiChong..that's it...
maybe i can just hang out at the 24 hrs bubble tea shops or the book store..that's the worst case..haha...

wishing to go to Kyoto now that my brother is out of the Tokyo trip with me...
but have to do reseach and need more money..=P

hmm...10 more days...
didn't really prepare anything yet for the trip...
but at least i need to have some expectations or goals for it...as Nicole always say...haha...
i guess i have an idea of those...will share after i come back...

30 Hour Famine

2006-03-25T19:50:00.000-05:00

Hi all,

I am participating in the 30 Hour Famine and
collecting donations to help children in need around the world.

You guys know that i like to eat
but when you think of all the children around the world that don't have anything to eat,
the poverty and hunger that they are going through,
i think that we need to do something to help them...

So i am going to try the 30 hour famine..which is my first time doing it..

NO i am not doing it cause i want to be on diet..even though i need one...=P
BUT i really want to try to have the feeling and experience hunger and suffering that the children in poor country are going through...(even though it is not even close to what they are really facing)

Would you please click on the link below to
make a donation and help me?

http://www2.worldvision.ca/famine/12987907

The 30 Hour Famine will take place on Apr 7 and 8...you guys will be welcome to join me..i am doing it with some friends in my cell group...

If not able to join the 30 hour famine, you can still help with making a donation to help them...
Would you please click on the link below to
make a donation and help the children?

http://www2.worldvision.ca/famine/12987907

morning coffee

2006-03-18T00:36:00.000-05:00

One morning when i am having breakfast with Teresa at the work place...
we are going to make fresh coffee as usual..

and i said..

J: Hey...This coffee taste pretty good...Which blend is this?? It taste better than the one we were having before...

Teresa looked at me without saying anything...
T: That's the same blend that we are always having...every morning..
but Nicole just moved it into another container so that we didn't have to reach up to the top shelf to get it...

J: Hmm...i i thought it tasted familar...=P

T: It is the Colombian coffee that we always have in the morning...
You are so easily fooled by the packing..haha.a... ^o^

J: Yes..i know..i don't deny it..haha... i am such a sucker...

But aren't we all??
who dares to say that they aren't as easily fooled by the appearances and bland names??
even though something that is exactly the same, their values can be 3 or 4 times difference just because they are sold in a different store or the display is different... >_<

Perhaps...Love? Perhaps NOT~

2006-03-13T23:09:00.000-05:00

There were lots of different opinions about this film...
I wasn't going to watch this film in the first place cause one of my trusted movie watcher didn't like it... and our taste were pretty close...so i didn't really think about this film..
but many different ppl keep on saying how good it is..and i liked the actress in the film.. so i am like..what the heck...
the only way to find out is to watch it myself...

( Warning: Spoilers ahead... if you have not watched the movie or u have watched it and liked it alot...
Please do not read on!!)

The idea of the story is alright...
it is kinda like a <Day for Night> by Francois Truffaut and <Le Mepris> by Jean Luc Godard, where it is a movie about doing a movie production...
how the relationship of the characters acting in the movie have their relationship problems in real life and how the director had to deal with them...
However, in both films, Truffaut and Godard used that method to show the director's own personal reflections on making film..
to use it to rethink and mediate film as a medium...to show the reality of the illusion of the movie business... how chaotic and messy an actual shooting process can be...
to disengage the audience and keep a distance with the film so they can have a thinking space

Well...Peter Chan used this form to show love is kinda like the illusion as a movie production.. that it is not real...
and the story takes place in a circus to kinda reinforce that point...
there were lots of use of reflective surfaces..like the water surfaces..and mirrors...
so i thought..hm..ok..maybe it does have something to tell...

The movie tries to blur the boundaries of the characters' memories into the movie by intercutting between the story being shot and what actually happened...well...it did worked in some of the scene... like the scene where Xun Zhou was struggling whether to go with Takeshi... and all these other girls are pulling her back.. intercutting her own past where she had to have drinks with directors to get parts...

the editing wasn't done that well... too choppy.. i know what they were trying to do.. but just too disorganize.. didn't work.. just confused the audience.. and some of the scene didn't really cut together...
how come they had a little movie of Takeshi and Zhou Xun on the river hugging?? where did that come from??
it is like one of the key points of the movie..and just breaks the whole plot that was based on it...
Overall, all the characters do not have enough depth...too one dimensional...

most of the muscial scenes weren't done that well... the dancers wasn't really collaborated well together...the lighting setup have no mood or style...the sets in those scenes just too crap compare to the rest of the film... esp the last scene where they were flying in the air.. the background was just too fake...

and i think because film being shot was a musical.. it limited the power of those scenes..
where the lines..which has to be lyrics that is suppose to move the story forward... was limited because it had to fit the music and couldn't really go deep enough...
if it were just regular dialogues, will have helped build on the characters emotions much better...

if Peter Chan wants to show love as an illusion... that love is really harsh and unreal... please... go all the way...the ending really wasn't needed...
if u were firm enough to just have Takeshi walk out on Zhou Xun..taking revenge on her..
then i will be clapping my hands and cheering for you..cause u were brave enough to surprise the audience
not to have a happy ending as expected...
and u had made ur point...but no..it had to linger on...and on...and on...

However,
in the end..
i do have to give the director some credit..
cause he did try to do something new and be creative..
it was a nice try... but just have the form... not the content..
and please..the basics and little details are important....

每人每天眼睛一睜開都是一場《華麗的冒險》

2006-03-08T20:35:00.000-05:00

◎旅行的意義。
當初寫這首歌是在騎著機車，這首歌給我充滿速度的感覺，就是人沒有辦法進行到如此快的速度，好像回顧著很多事情，很多東西從眼前飛逝而過，是以這樣的狀態寫下來的。

男主角旅行的意義就是為了離開女主角，女主角旅行的意義則是為了找回自己，也為了離開男主角，所以各自在不同的地方旅行著。

◎Sentimental Kills。
新的版本比較瘋一點，而單曲版是自己在家用MD錄的，在床頭彎著腰就這樣錄了，一直想模仿John Lennon像〈Jealous Guy〉這樣的歌，舊舊的、聲音有一點delay，在家裡亂試，做出來還蠻頹廢的，這樣的氣氛也暗示在專輯的版本，自己非常滿意，這就是當初寫這首歌想要的感覺。

◎華麗的冒險。
《吉他手》做完後，常掉入是一個人的狀態，每天重複過日子，眼睛一張開卻不知要做什麼，現在想起來，其實每人每天眼睛一睜開都是一場華麗的冒險，即使計畫好的事情都可能生變，所以在寫歌時會思考很多。

所謂的「華麗」不一定是字面上的意義，是一種精神的豐富，這些歌曲都來自我非常簡單的生活，而簡單的生活會看到很多美好，這是在忙亂的人眼中所看不到的。

i guess that's how a true artist should be..
able to sense the little details out of our daily ordinary lives that others just don't see ....

For full interview go to http://www.hitoradio.com/music/1i_1.php?inter_id=47

Money can buy you...

2006-03-05T21:46:00.000-05:00

Heard it from somewhere...

Money can buy you the biggest, most comfortable bed,
but not a good night of sleep.

Money can buy you the best and most delicious food,
but not an appetite.

Money can buy you the best medicine, best doctor,
but not health.

Money can buy you the biggest house,
but not a home.

Money can buy you the best red wine,
but not a friend that you want to share it with.

Money can buy you the most shining diamond,
but not true love.

Next Stage??

2006-03-05T21:23:00.000-05:00

I think i have arrived at the age where lots of decisions are to be made...
at a crossroad in life for big changes...
it is a stage where ppl have grad from university and have worked for a couple of years...
and it is time to think about what to do next...
some have made a great career...
some have gotta married and bought a house...trying to make their mortage payments every month...
some still searching...searching...

many of my good good frds..
have decided or are planning to go back to HK..
because they are not satisfy with the life that they are having here in Toronto...
they think that with the experience and education that they have..
they can have a much better advancement in HK..
that they can go a lot further...

this made me really really sad...
cause they are truly my best best frds and they are leaving one by one...
i don't know what advices i can give..or should i give them any...
cause i think everyone has their own path and destiny..
who is to say that it is not that path??

some want to find a better career...
some thinks the guys here sucks..haha...
some just want to go back to have a change of enviroment...to challenge themselves...
some have broken up from a relationship....

all i can say is that...
if you cannot figure out what u are looking for in life here..
it is just going to be the same when you get back to HK...
if you are lost in life here...
the same pattern is going to repeat itself...
cause u don't even know what u want...
just a change in the settings...will it really help u find the answers there??

don't know what i can say...
but just really want to appreicate everyone of my frds...
cause it really isn't easy to have u guys to celebrate my b-day...
and i don't want to take it for granted..
cause i know next year.. some of u may not be here again...

we had gone through a lot of stuff...
good times...bad times..
many all nighters... for drinking purposes...or for working on events and shows...
disappointments in life...in relationships...in friends..
time when we shared our dreams... our future... our true self...
having u guys to stand by my side...
each of u represented a part of me...
had made a mark in my life..
made me who i am today...
i won't regret any of it...
cause that's who i am...
with all of u in it...

Thank you....

Survey...

2006-02-27T23:34:00.000-05:00

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Drunken+Angel

A survery for friends to use 5 or 6 words to descibe me...=D
(Please..for ppl who actually knows...Thx)

Feeling of Love = Love??

2006-02-23T13:29:00.000-05:00

The feeling of love is like the aroma of a flower...
it is so sweet that ppl around can smell it, sense it, feel it...
amazed by its beauty...

We are always taught that.....
Feeling of Love = Love
We too often taught to....
use our eyes to think...
our feelings to act....

but this feeling of love is only a by-product of the care to the "plant of love"...
it has its own cycle...
the beauty of the flower and its aroma will fade...
but it is a cycle...when spring time comes...
the flower will be reborn and bloom again...

Closer....Closer??

2006-02-21T00:23:00.000-05:00

What does relationships means nowadays??
Do ppl really still look for one that lasts??

In Closer, everyone is just a stranger till the moment they meet.
How does two people meet??
Did YOU arrange it to happen??

"What's so great about the truth? Try lying for a change
- it's the currency of the world." - Dan

Relationships nowadays...
depends too much on feelings...
the feeling of "love"...one moment we can love a person to death, willing to do anything for them...
willing to make promises from the bottom of our hearts...
really sincerely hope that will be able to stay with this person forever...
But once this feeling is gone...
will want everything back from them...
all the love...all the presents and gifts...
if not able to get it back...
then will think that we have been taken advantage of....

Society and mass media has changed the definition of intimacy...
intimacy == sex...
that we often go too fast..
just wanted to be loved...
be intimate with someone...
but missing the build up time...
the foundation underneath...
so the relationship was thought to be intimate enough already,
but it is truly empty inside...

Therefore we feel unsatisfy,
thinking that we don't love this person anymore...
When there is an argument or a fight..
there is often nothing to fall back on...

"Where is this 'love'? I can't see it, I can't touch it, I can't feel it.
I can hear it. I can hear some words, but i can't do anything with your easy words." - Alice

We are all scare to put in too much effort into a relationship...
fearing that it will go to waste someday...
we are too economical...
if not making a "profit"...at least break even...
always want something back...not willing to sacrifice...

"愛總是讓人哭讓人覺得不滿足
天空好大卻看不清楚
好孤獨
-天黑黑

We do not really cherish or value the relationship anymore because it is just merely another physical attraction, there will always be another person who looks as good or about the same waiting to happen...
The bodies have become one...
but the souls are like the distance from East to West...
so close...yet so far away...

Everyone is really looking for intimacy, the one person that we can share everything with....

Our Failures...
Our Imperfections...
Our ugliness...
Our Fears
Our Happy Days...
Our Hopes...
Our Dreams..

We really don't want to wear a mask in front of the person that we love..
but we are really afraid that we will get hurt..
so we build a wall around ourselves...
hoping to reveal our true self slowly..
breaking down the wall slowly until we feel safe and comfortable...

Heart leak with termites and a black hole...

2006-02-20T23:55:00.000-05:00

What does it feel like??

It is like a hand that got a grip of my heart...
not willing to let go..
squeezing it real hard every now and then...
reminding me of its presence...
crashing it to pieces...
little by little...
piece by piece...

It is like termites that are clawing up and down my throat..
all the way down to my heart...
chewing away...
tearing my heart piece by piece..
little by little..
bit by bit..

It is like a leak that cannot be stopped...
life just keeps draining out...
little by little..
drop by drop...

It is like a black hole...
sucking everything into it...
first my legs..my hands...
my body..my mind..
till nothing is left anymore...
sucking my world and everything into it...
little by little...
piece by piece...
bit by bit....
drop by drop...
little by little....

Cheer Chen's video!!!

2006-02-20T00:01:00.000-05:00

A little collection of Cheer's videos...
she is so so GREAT!!!
Love how she can bare herself and put all her feelings into her songs...
can feel her passion and sincerity for music and life..
expressing it by her lyrics...and the music that she writes...

her songs are like poems..
it paints a picture..a scene that u can just see in ur mind...
her voice is like a knife that cuts into your heart...
stay with you day and nite...
and the way she plays the guitar and sing at the same time...
doing something she is so passionate about...
she is so charismatic on stage that no one can compare to...

旅行的意義 (One of my fav.)

self

太多

太聰明 (One of my fav.)
we are always too clever in relationships...
the pure heart to just love is gone...

小步舞曲

吉他手mv

Footage from Last yr's Taiwan concert

Singing live for "Too clever"

Some sharing on her journey when she is writing her new song "The Fabulous Adventure"

A concert at Tainan University

A concert at Tainan University Part II

A concert at Tainan University Part III

A concert at Tainan University Part IV

80% perfect life

just a guitar...and a great voice...
nothing fancy...
just GREAT!!!!

What religion do you fit in with?

2006-02-12T01:12:00.000-05:00

I guess it is pretty true...
depends on feelings first..then use the limited logic/reason i have to understand it...=P
um...organized religion may not be for me...um....

You fit in with:
Spiritualism

Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms.

60% spiritual.
40% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

2006-02-08T21:52:00.000-05:00

其實現在我們關切的許多事，古人都寫過了。
唯一出路就是拿自己的生命去寫，
才能寫出和別人不同的東西，
否則只是寫些表面的、浮泛的，無論什麼都早就有人寫過了。

Where is our True Self?

2006-02-05T07:12:00.000-05:00

i guess we get voices from everyone and everywhere...
family, friends, co-worders, lovers, church... TV, radio, mass media...
everyone if giving u their voices and opinions... some for your own good, some really think what they are saying are trying to help you...
some just want to hurt ur confidence...
some just want u to conform to their standards...

the bread growing experiement is kinda like my future...
it may not look that good...or to some ppl..not good at all..even ugly...
but we don't really know how it will look like when it fully "blossoms"
we are too often very short-sighted...
and give up very quickly when others oppose what you are doing...
thinking...if so many ppl thinks it is bad...
then it must be really bad and i should just give up...

ppl ask why go to university for 4 yrs and studied so hard for ur Act Sci degree and give it up?
can just work at banks or insurances stuff...makes big money and lead a good life...

they just want u to conform to their standards..
cause that's what they believe in...
others want u to give up cause they don't want u to succeed...cause they have given up their own dreams and don't want others to achieve it..
so they "sugar-coated" their so call reasons...

well..some do really care for ur own good...and are really worry about your future and how u going to make a living....

"We want to be loved, but we are so afraid of rejection that we would rather be loved for being someone we are not than be rejected for being who we are."

but in the end...what i really want to say is...
it is all about choices..
some are 1st rated, some are 2nd rated in which will help you grow to be a better person..
it all goes back to what you really believe in...
who u truly are...ur final purpose in life...

the choices and decisions that you make...
the life is yours to live...not theirs
they do not have to live with the consequences afterwards...
you do...so u are ultimately responsible for your own life...

"Some people are going to like me and some people aren't, so I might as well be me.
Then, at least, I will know that the people who like me, like me." Hugh Prather

so what if i look bad in a beard...
i don't really care if not one goes near me...
as long as i know why i am doing it..
it is just a choice that i make and live with it..

guess i don't want to live with what others want from me and regret it later in life...in my career that is...
who knows what it will be like in the future...
that's life's beauty... the uncertainty..the risk that u need to make...

That's goes to the 100% true self...
yes sometimes we hurt people be being true to our feelings and true to ourselves....
but everyone will eventually go back to their true self...
You may leave ur principles, morals, values at first...
but not happily...we will no have peace if we have to wear a mask everyday and can't even be true to ourselves...
and the other people will not be happy either if u r not treating them honestly...

of course u need to be constantly trying to improve urself..making what u think is good...
become better-versions of yourself...
not for anyone else..but for yourself...

Beard Growing Experiment

2006-02-03T00:13:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to grow a beard these days...
I guess it is something all guys go through..try to experiment on how i will look like with it..
I guess cause not many Asian ppl can/do grow a beard...and so it is kinda unique and distinct...
and cause it is kinda of the body..want to explore it more..
also maybe subconsciously...also going through lots of stuff these days...
and to have my body show my emotions rather than saying it out...

It is pretty funny how ppl around me is reacting...
"What happened?? Why aren't u shaving??"
"Are you depress or something??"
"You look like a thief...Remember not to wear strips clothing..."

Well...if i look depress...
then why u don't ask if something is actually bothering me
and just say something so shallow and leave it at that??
if i have shaven... will i have seem happier??

Some will say,
"Hey that looks cool...
You look more like a director now...=P
u look even more like ur brother now... S hit"

Well...some really do mean it...
But you can so tell some ppl just saying stupid stuff that they don't mean...
can so just tell from their eyes...

Every second person that i meet...
they will be trying to comfort me and change me...

it is just like life...
every decision that we make..
everything that we do..
ppl are going to have different opinion...
it is not like they really care why u do it...
it is not like they really care if u listen to their "advice"
or if their advice is really useful..

"Hey why are you giving up ur degree and do something so stupid??"
"Hey that girl seems pretty nice, maybe u try to go out with her..."
"Why u guys are breaking up?? "
"U guys seem so good together??"
"It must be your fault again...always like to play around...!!!"

So many many voices all around us...
How do we choose which one to listen to and keep our true self??

Spending time alone = Loneliness = ??

2006-02-02T23:12:00.000-05:00

Mondays are kinda my reflection day...
cause it is a day when i have a day off and go to school...
from noon till nite..
i like to take the subway if it is not too cold...
so i can read and think...
then after film theory class..can walk to Korean Town for the best Pork Bone Soup!!!
(The ones in "Happy House" are the best)
then will walk to Ryerson..which is like an hour walk..
but it is a good time...
cause we are too often trapped inside our car..
when we actually have time to take a walk..
it lets us interact with the place around us...
have a relationship with our space...
time to quiet down..and talk to ourselves...(well..not out loud)

i told my frd about how i spend my Mondays...
and he would say..
"Wow...how come you are being so lonely??"

I don't get why ppl think that spending time alone == loneiness...
i guess we are all looking for incidents and events and things to pack our lives...
go out to dinner...to a movie... to sing K...
we need to have events like that to prove that we are not lonely??

"You have to learn to enjoy your own company,
before you can learn to be with someone else, you need to learn to be alone.
Until you are comforable being with yourself, you will always be afraid of being alone."

If you get comfortable about yourself..
then you will find that...there are lots of dates not worth really going to...
rather stay home with a good movie or good book is better....

i like to spend time driving alone,
so that i can turn on the music as loud as i want...
and don't need to care if the other person like what i am listening too...

i like to watch movies alone,
cause i really really hate ppl talking while a movie is on...
and keep asking.."What just happened??"
well...if you keep on watching and not ask...you will know..
cause it is my first time watching it too!!!!!

Don't really like to talk on the phone that much...
cause i will always feel like taking up other ppl's time...
i mean... what gives u the right to just intrude into other ppl's private time with just a phone call...
is like... hey..i want to talk to you...so i don't care what u are doing at that moment..
you need to put down whatever u r doing and make the time to talk to me...
i think that's the selfishness that tech. created...=P

On the other hand,
I guess i am sometimes trapped as being "too comfortable" with being myself...
Someone once told me that i am too comfortable in my own world...
And forget to build up relationships and care for the ppl around me..
i agree... but how do u balance your own private time / not being too self-absorb??

"Relationships keep us honest.
Conversing and interacting with a variet of people in our everyday lives
bring out the light the illusions we often created and believe about ourselves.
Alone and isolated,
we have an incredible ability to deceive ourselves
and create images of ourselves that are one-dimensional at best."
"The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Mattew Kelly"

Blue Mountain Trip!!!

2006-01-30T01:42:00.000-05:00

I was able to go to Blue Mountain last weekend to get a little rest and relax...
which i was really looking forward to for a while...
but was a bit worry during the ride to the cottage...
cause there wasn't even a hint of snow anywhere...
and the temp was like +5 in Toronto

but the moment when all us arrive at the cottage..
it starts to snow...all through the nite...till the next morning...
and this is what it looked like when we get out of the door...

And the snow is so fresh, that it doesn't even hurt when we fall down..
which is a good thing..cause lots of us are first timer or beginners...
really thx God for giving our cell such a great time...

we snowboarded from morning till late afternoon...
the weather was perfect...
It was really tiring...Most of us can bearly move when we get back to the cottage...
and have aches all over our legs and body for a couple of days after the trip...=P

It was so much fun that the whole group are kinda addicted to it now...
everyone is planning to get the whole set of gear before we go again for the next trip...

Mexican rum with worm

2006-01-30T01:29:00.000-05:00

"Nice little worm in the bottle"

"Split in two"

"Cheer!!!"

"The Tasting Begins!!!"

"YAKYAKYAK!!!"

Decoding Voices Video

2006-01-18T12:38:00.000-05:00

All the projects are finally done...for now...
When i look back to it...
Since the event of City mosaic last year, then it is Get It Right summer camp, then 927 fundraising, then 1120 fundraising...
wow...that's alot..and almost non-stop...
and finally get a chance to breath and rest...=P

Thinking back to the production of the 114 Video...
it was just after the 1120 fundraising event...when everyone was really exhausted and tired..
but cause there isn't much time left...only about one and a half month...
really tight timing...
and to have to come up with the script and do the shooting (during Christmas time), and do all the editing... sounded really crazy already...

I was really scared and had lots of pressure too...
having really done a long script before...
all i did before for fiction pieces was without lines..
shooting, writing, directing, editing, everything... all done...by myself...
so it is really crazy to think that having to lead a whole team to do this production...

and also at the same time...
it is like a chance to test myself..
if i really have a talent in this area..
i am really scare one day to find out that...hey... all these studying and watching film... is only good for watching film..
when it comes to actually shooting and directing a production..
i am no good...i don't have the talent...(i am not saying i am really good right now)
so it is kinda a time when i have to face my worst fears...
But thx for everyone's support...
giving me strength to go on...

When thinking about the script... the first idea was to do a modern version of the prodigal son... to give the msg of how youth today learned a set of values in church which they can't really apply to real life...
Then came up with the idea of setting the story in the future...
where we try to address the struggles that we have in our daily Christian lives...
with the two sets of rules...one being the church/parents..the other the world/mass media..
which later becomes the Gene Alpha and Rebel X system in the story...

Gene Alpha- i was thinking about Genesis... the beginning when everything God created was good... so hence... Alpha, the beginning of the letters...
So it kinda represent the church... as well as the parental voice as well...
ppl just knows a set of rules given by Gene Alpha..don't really know the real reason why they have to follow it...

Rebel X - we are at a time when God will be coming back soon... the end of times..
so i thought about Revel XX in the beginning... which sounded really out...
so changed it to being a REBEL...represents the mass media...
It posses the voice of each youth's fav. idol... which tells them what they should wear.. how they should live...
Isn't it true today as well??

If you notice in Samson's room...
there is always the poster of "Clockwork Orange"...
if you know the msg of the movie.. it really enhance the meaning of the scene..
where Clockwork Orange is about youths rebelling against the adulthood and they are programmed to have no evil thoughts and behaves as a perfect example of the society..
isn't the church kinda like that in a way nowadays??
saying u can't do this/ can't do that...
i mean... yes there are some things that Christians really shouldn't do..
but if u cannot give a good reason or the logic behind the principle...
it is really hard to enforce it...

As well... in Jessica's room...
there is the Natalie Portman's photo from Leon, the Professional...
which is again..a young girl growing up in a dysfuncional family... living in a violent society... trying to adapt to her surroundings...very ambitious..well wanting to become a professional killer one day.. that's pretty ambitious for me..
And Natalie Portman is always staring straight at Jessica in the last scene with the medium shots and close ups... comparing the 2 characters...

There were lots of arguments about the last scene and how ppl may not be able to get the msg of the film...
If we look at the purpose of the video for the whole event..
which is to just inspire audience to think about the issues of society and masses and themselves... and lead them towards Alfred's msg... then i have achieved my purpose..
but yes.. if it is to be watched alone..
then it will be stand on its own.. as it only brought up the issues without the characters really going deeper into it...

The film doesn't want to TELL its audience what to do..which is right/wrong...
which is just what the film is Criticizing about...listening to other ppl without thinking...
I think a good film... it is an interactive medium..
where it gives each audience its own meaning... draws them towards their own experiences and let them find their own meaning of the film...
i just provide a platform for them...

Someone says that i am too influenced by the French New Wave or European cinema.. to have too much style at the end... with the long shots and an open ending...
not caring about who my audience are...
Yes i agree that i am greatly influenced by those movements and styles...

However...
for me... i wouldn't really listen to ppl telling me what to do... so i don't think the youth or ppl today like that as well...
and we give them too little space to think about things today... not having enough faith in them...
so we tell the msg straight out everytime... this film's msg is about this this this...
why can't we give them more confidence in finding their own meaning and experience what a film should really be like??

There are still lots of area that can be improve in the video...
the lighting is Definitely one of them..
the coaching of the actors for me... an area really lacking..
the script can go deeper...
but overall...
i think the whole production team has given everything that we have in such a short amount of time and i am really proud of it!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
After the show...
Someone came up to me saying,
they didn't expect this kind of good quality in the Christian circle...
i know that he meant it as a good thing...a compliment...
but it makes me think...

Why can't Christians be serious about a production and give out this level of quality??
Isn't it a GIVEN that we have to work our ass off for God??
So if it is a church thing... then we can be more laid back and relax??

Thank you everyone!!!

2006-01-18T11:08:00.000-05:00

I will like to thx everyone who helped out in the 114 Video Production!!!
It really wouldn't be possible without anyone of you...

Alex: Thx for helping with the props and setting up of the sets

Athena, Tammy and Wendy: Hope u guys had fun at the shooting... hope the late nite didn't ruin ur sleep over plan too much...

Candy: Thx for helping with the design of the props and sets

Carmen: You have worked hard with the production...staying so late with us almost everynite during the shooting... designing the custumes and the cafe scene and everything...giving it the cyber look!!! Hope u like the outcome of the video and didn't waste your efforts...

Carrie: Thx for helping us finding the other "girls" in the scene..they are really great... adds lots of humor in the production... being very trusting to us when we ask you to do some weird moves, like the changing sequence..haha...and you can really act with your eyes... keep it up

Felix: Haha..what can i say... Thx for being patience with the "little director"... thx for working so hard everynite with the shooting and editing for so many nites... and respecting each other's style la... we have to go do a movie watch marthorn !!!!

Jacky: Thx for ur "professionalism"... even after the whole day of shooting...u were still able to get up the next morning and do shooting again without complaint...
and willing to stick around to help out as "hold board boy" and sound man even when u don't have to shoot that day... thank you so much "Good Brother"

Jacqueline: Thx for your help with the make-up...the girls look really good... u should open up make-up worshops...lots of teens already asked about it... and thx for helping with the coach of the actors and actresses... i am really lacking in that area... thx for ur support

James and Monica: Thx James for helping with the acting... i know it must be tough for u..but really thank you for giving ur your "first time" and your great effort...and Monica for helping with the VO of Gene... and also one of the songs too..haha...

Jennifer: Thx for helping with contacting the whole crew for shooting, and doing the shooting logs... i am really bad with the admin stuff and calling ppl...

Jonathan: Thx for being everything... from assistant director to soundman to "hold board guy" to the extra in the cafe to doing the 114 Ads to doing all the powerpoints... Thx for staying out so late with us and working so hard, sticking to the end...

Ken: Thx for helping with ur stomach... haha... u have a great acting... able to have so much "fire" whenever the scene starts... very pro...

Ken Tai: Haha... i remember i asked you to just help with script..but then u had to do so much more...designing the sets and props and help with the shooting..lending us ur car..thx for your ideas for the script..added lots more details to the future.. and really hope u enjoy the process..even though it is reallly tiring.. we will return your display shelf soon...=P

Nicole: What can i say la... thx for lending us your house for the shooting... disturbing u for so late every nite.. n having u to prepare meals...dinner and breakfast for us... helping with the traslation of the script... editing... and thx for giving me a chance to work on this project...

Peter: Gene Alpha wouldn't have been born without your design for the light..

ALso thank you for everyone who have send me emails or dropped me a line on msn... thx for the support that u guys gave... really needed it for the late nites and middle of all the confusions... gave me the strength to go on...

Thank you for the help of the whole crew.... couldn't have done it without anyone of you...
hope you guys had a good experience in the process... i will try to give u guys a copy of the DVD as a memory la...

at17: 才女

2005-12-16T09:19:00.000-05:00

歌手：At 17 | 作曲：林二汶@At 17
填詞：于逸堯@人山人海 | 編曲：梁基爵@人山人海

世界不知不覺無情地轉
勞碌找一個救生圈
靠美德博學還離岸很遠
用美色多勝算

可惜我只配談文字戀
強項得書信對白婉轉
講曲線體態自然落選
憑面相難完心願

蕭伯納　王爾德　但丁
莎士比亞　馬奎斯　小仲馬
請指點我去用情書將心扣住
辛棄疾　矛盾　魯迅　蘇軾
求可體恤我筆尖的計算
長話盼　盡說短　人海中等惜字緣

交心的戀愛漸成歷史
唯獨我堅信愛像種子
悉心栽花卻換來白紙
才用眼淚來寫字

伊索　屠格涅夫　狄更斯
歐威爾　艾可　卡爾維諾
幾本書的背後埋藏著我心事
張愛玲　曹禺　老舍　冰心
如果早幫我寫命運情節
從未怕　命太短　惟恐寫不好那段緣
盼成全

----------------------------------------------

Really touching song from at17's newest CD...
it is about someone who cannot connect with other ppl...
except with her writing...

I guess ppl always telling me i have barriers around myself and not often open up to other ppl...
except when talking to topics that i am interested in..movies, books...
then i will have shining eyes and get really excited....
other than that i will be like really slow to react...=P

I guess after i have spend 4 yrs in UT getting a degree (Act Sci and Eco) that i don't really like...
since i am not going into that field....
i always tell myself that i need to do more...read more... learn more...
to make up for the time and the knowledge that i miss....
watch more films... read more theories..more stuff about the mass culture...
and somehow... build a wall around myself in the meantime...
thinking that i am not good enough...so have to work harder...
but lost the sense of why i am chasing my dream in the first place...

If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4:8)

Guess if i know how to read or decode some of the msg of films or media...
but don't know how to share it with ppl...
then it is of no use to me...

Guess if i read an amazing book that inspired me...
but cannot use it to inspire other ppl...
then it is of no use to me...

Guess if i only have knowledge (which is not alot)....
and don't know how to love or care for ppl around me..
then all i am striving for is worth nothing....

Cheer Chen's "Too Much"

2005-12-05T00:14:00.000-05:00

太多

歌手：陳綺貞 | 作曲：陳綺貞
填詞：鴻鴻 | 編曲：陳建騏

喜歡一個人孤獨的時刻
但不能喜歡太多
在地鐵站或美術館
孤獨像睡眠一樣鍡養我

以永無止盡的墬落
需要音樂取暖
喜歡一個人孤獨的時刻
但不能喜歡太多

喜歡一個陽光照射的角落
但不能喜歡太多
是幼稚園的小朋友
笑聲像睡眠一樣打擾我

我們輕輕的揮一揮手
凝結照片的傷口
我喜歡一個陽光照射的角落
但不能喜歡太多

喜歡一個人孤獨的時刻
但不能喜歡　太多
-----------------------------------------------------

Can't be alone too much...
or else may not be able to come back out...
once you got used to being a good friend with loneness...

Cheer's new CD is really great...
she doesn't sale her looks..
don't have to be sexy or cute...
just plain and simple...
lay bare herself and her passion in music..
her lyrics have a taste that is bittersweet which stays in your mind for days...
she is able to observe the little things in our daily lives and put them into "poetic" scenery...
she is really one of the rare artists right now who writes all her own music and lyrics..also did the composing..
really admire her...(also at17...and ???)

Cheer's passion was so great..
that when her contact with "Rolling Stones" ended a couple of years ago...
she couldn't get anyone to make music for her..
she gone into a deep depression and kinda a nervous breakdown..
until Avex Trax singed her...
i am really amazed at how people can put their whole lives into something that they love so much and to die for...
great CD... have a listen....

www.cheerego.com
go to "Frame" and will be able to see the latest MVs...
enjoy...=D

The Perfect Evening

2005-12-05T00:04:00.000-05:00

Sometimes i just like to be alone...
just make myself invisible for a while..
just go "flow" around malls...
to bookstores, HMVs...browsing...
hide myself at home watching movies that i have bought for years and still having have a chance to watch...
like to clean my room when i am down..
hang all my clothes and sweaters that have been lying on the floor everytime i took them off at the end of the day..
books and CDs everywhere...all scattered on the floor...
i am not kidding... sometimes it is so crowded that i can't even walk to my bed...
i guess what is the pt of cleaning the room if it is only going to be messy again in like 2 or 3 days max...
but it is kinda like a ritual that i do...
everytime i do the cleaning, i will put on really loud music with my stereo...
and singing and dancing around my room...
until finally everything looks great...
and go and take a nice hot, long shower..
the feeling of being clean...both myself and my room...
just feels really great...
then just go down to the basement...
pick out a DVD... open a bottle of red wine..
a perfect evening...

P.S...sometimes i just think that...
Do i leave my room messy so that i can go through this process and redeem myself...
.....
.....
....
....
nah....just making an excuse for myself...for being lazy...=P

化哀傷為舞蹈

2005-12-05T00:01:00.000-05:00

「我們在生活中可能需要放手的，莫過於日常關係這方面。愛一個人意味著容讓對方以任何方式回應你，而不受你的控制。」

「愛最奧妙之處就是，你既可得著愛，也可能一無所得。每次你愛別人，你正冒這個險。」

盧雲著，《化哀傷為舞蹈——在逆境中尋得盼望》

Lie With Me

2005-11-07T22:49:00.000-05:00

I was able to get a free pass to see Clement Vergo's new film Lie With Me in the Film Theory class...
it was screened at the Toronto Film Fest..but since there was quite a bit of sexuality in it..so i decided not to go..however, after the screenings, the critics and audiences loved it...not because of the nudity, but cause it truly was a great film...so i had to see it myself to find out...

The story is about Laurie, a pretty, young woman who is looking for adventure...
she goes out to clubs every night..to dance with strangers and have one night stands with them...
or watch porn at home...stage play, give commands for the guys to do...
Laurie is not satisfy that only the men are having fun... leaving their "scent" everywhere...
so she kinda want to gain back the power...
her life goes on as usual until she finally met David, whom she loved and really want to spend time with...
but how will the relationship work out between them?? is it just a sexual relationship??

In this movie, the role of the gender is switched... or on a level playing field..
it is usually the man who goes out and finds pretty girls in most movies..
but this time, the story is told from a woman's point of view...
it is showing how the relationship between man and woman are down to just physical pleasure...
that they don't even have to know each others' names...
and that it is after the sexual act that they introduce themselves or have a date...
to go out for dinner or do something...

Shot right here in downtown Toronto, queen street...
the overall photographic look is really great...
the clothes, the makeup, the hair, the sets...are all really great...
because there a lots of hype on how much nudity there are in the film..
so the director just gives the audience the very thing that they want to see at the very beginning..lots of it too...
it is kinda to the point where...
ohh...ok...another love scene...um...already seen her naked several times...
um....anything else??
now that the audience is satisfy, the story can move on...
This movie is way more than just a movie with lots of sex..
is really beautifully shot...not like any old cheap XXX movies...
it works just like how the relationships ppl have nowadays...
have all the sex first...
then build the relationship or think about if he/she is the one that we love..
have all the sex first...
then tell the story...
and every sex scene that was in the movie, there was a purpose..
it advances the plot, builds up the relationship tension between Laurie and David..
gives more emotional depth to the characters...

Laurie says...
"It doesn't matter if it is a one night stand, had sex for a week, or 10 months or 5 years...it still hurts the body..."

It is really sad to see the message of the film...
and the truth behind it...
As the story advances...
Laurie really fell in love with David..
having come from a broken family...
but all she knows is how to have sex...and didn't know how to love a person
so when David is having problems and needs someone to care about...
she doesn't know what to do or how to handle it.. how to care for him...
all she can do is just give him physical pleasure..
which is not the thing that he needs...
she really do love him or care about David...
but just don't know how to express it...
and that's the saddest part of the movie..
which is also true to the youth today or society as a whole...
because of the causal relationships that the masses have in society...
they are only after the physical relationship...
cannot really connect with others emotionally...
and if they were not able to connect, then they will just think that just don't love the person enough..
so just go out and find another partner to fill the empty space inside of them...
with the only way that they know how...

There are several references with the characters looking at the mirror...
it is like the baby's first time looking at the mirror, the image of themseleves...
confused...looking for their identity...

I remember i was asked by some friends that..
why are you guys not talking about sex..
why are you guys not comfortable with sex?
it is our sexuality, we should be comfortable with it..

Then i answered...
it is because we do cherish it...
and that everyone in the society do it... or they tell you to do it..
doesn't mean that it is right...
and it doesn't mean that i am not comfortable with my sexuality..
i am very comfortable...
know what to expect or should treat a lady as a man...
i guess they are the ones who are not alright with their identity and sexuality, so that's why have have to look for these kinds of adventures to prove to themselves...

and i do think that it hurts a relationship alot..when it does happen so fast..
when the relationship is not even mature...
will just breaks it up...hurts both parties emotionally and physically...

This is a really great film..
but really have to watch with discretion and discernment

Saint Exupery's "The Little Prince" Quiz

2005-11-07T02:10:00.000-05:00

You are the flower.

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

World's Biggest Lie: Conformity

2005-11-03T23:53:00.000-05:00

What is the World's Biggest Lie?
"That at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate." The Alchemist

I don't know when it had started..
when something bad had happen to us..like getting fired from a job.. breaking up from a relationship...getting into an accident...having sickness....that we just say.. it must be fate... that's why this is happening to me...
and since it is fate/God that has already decided for me... there is no use for me to do anything... cause it is already set... nothing can be changed...

I think the biggest lie in the world is actually democracy...
Living in a capitalist society.. they are always saying democracy is better than communist or dictatorship...
that their voters have free will to choose who will be their prime minister... or president...
they will someone who will work for the country's best interest...

And what is their country's best interest?
as long as everyone gets feed... the economy blooming...
and when the economy goes bad.. Unemployment rates go up...
the government will just say...
the economy is not in our control... because it is a global issue.. there is nothing that can be done by the government...
and the mass of people will just think.. hey it is true.. they can't control it.. it is not like they do it on purpose so that i lose my job...must be fate...

but the economy is just rules of demand/supply...rules of economics that are being played with the big guys...
who are the ppl that makes the most money when there is war...
who are the ones that gets the biggest contact to rebuild a city when it is under a disaster...
when the stock market "suddenly" drops by like 1000 pts... i wonder who is behind that...

Democracy is just the same as tyranny...
Trannity uses force and fear to get their citizens under control...
Democracy are just capitalist who uses the economic system with the media to control the people...
The only way that you are going to have a better life is if you vote for me...
"i promise i will cut taxes... offer jobs...blah blah blah...."
Whoever does the best marketing and control the media, news...
controls the masses...

We don't even care if you have good leadership... or moral values...
as long as give us what they want... enough money to consume...fill our desires

Just like in Brave New World , give them enough drugs to keep the elite happy and satisfy,then their minds will be numb and will do whatever you want...just like a herd of sheep... all they need is food and water.. and will follow their sheppard everywhere...

The biggest danger that we are facing today...
Conformity...to conform with what we call the "reality of life"...the formula of life......

CFC Shoot: Anchor

2005-10-21T23:25:00.000-04:00

I was really glad that i was able to go to a Canadian Film Center shoot the past week...
it was really fun and learned a lot of stuff..
the director was an Italian, and was really good.. he knows what he was doing and had great communication with the DOP...
the script was really interesting...
and the actors are really amazing performers...
one thing is that it was in Oakfield and was really cold...
the wind was blowing all day and had a really bad headache afterwards... >_<
Also, one of the hardest scene to do is that the kid needs to "catch" a grasshopper...
so we needed to smoked the grasshopper dead first...
and place it carefully on the rocks..
but since it was so windy... and the kid squashed like 2 grasshopper with the bottle by accident..
was the longest scene that we need to take..
a warning to everyone.. do not use another live insects in ur film...

The story is about a guy, Gene, wanting to commit suidcide, and was lying in the bottom of a swimming pool..waiting for the sky to rain.. so that he can drown and kill himself.. and can blame on God who have killed him...

this kid, Oren, came by and saw him..
told him that he is going to flow if it does really rain..
and he went and got lots of rocks and placed it on him..
so that he is going to die for sure...
the man was buried by tons of rocks on him...
it is pretty funny...and was really hard to actually bury the guy..
we had to have 9 bags of river rocks..
which is like about 80 pounds each...really really heavy..
took a long time to place all the rocks on him..
you have to imagine that we had to pick the rocks ALL BACK into the bags after the scene...
it was really a big mess..but it looked really great on film..
can't wait to see it...

One of the lines that Gene explained why he wanted to die was really interesting,
"Disease, Debt, and Divorce, the worst a man can get, the holy trility"
which is really true, where lots of middle age ppl have to face nowadays...
I guess we all have our own problems,
but i think that we do need to take control of our own lives and take care of our own happiness...
no matter how bad it gets...
there is always a way out..
so we should never give up on ourselves..
or let other ppl take over of our lives...

at17 and chet Lam concert

2005-10-02T17:24:00.000-04:00

I was at the at17 concert some time ago..
which was really great..
i love their songs and their singing...
esp. when they sing live.. which i think it is really rare to have good Live singers in HK nowadays...
and Chet Lam is also there too...
even though i don't know most of his songs..
i do know that he is really talented...
the lyrics and songs he had written are really touching...

at17 is one of the few bands that i actually buy a CD for..
i always thought that they are named "at17" because their band is formed when they were age 17...
but in the concert they had lots of stories
and they it is actually cause Chet really loved Janis Ian..
the group is named after one of his songs at 17...

Each song that was written has its own story...
mostly when they were missing someone or are in love...
i guess i have some stories with their songs too...

I remember at17's very first album..."Meow Meow Meow"
which came out a couple of years ago...
at that time.. i was just broken up from a relationship..
and Eman and Ellen's voices really comforted me in those hard times...
their lyrics are always in my icq info at the time...
你有自己一套... dont' need to think about what others are doing to you..

若是沒希望不會失望
愛寂寞難道更好
若是付出不想有收獲
你要說服誰為你鼓掌

everyone says that to love is to give..
but if you don't expect anything back in return..
in reality... u really want ppl to notice what u have put in for the other person...

始終一天

愛始終一天我會比較愛自己
(愛始終一天你會發覺我還愛得起)
你會羞愧自責不珍惜我
想東想西想你定會想清楚
我也不再在意我應該得到幾多
忘掉你揭了瘡疤心魔放開
隨便作樂隨便相愛
決心不會一改再改

cause i know that

永遠有不妥協傷口
有些憾事不放手
若你太刻意淡忘
越會補不到缺口
Why don’t you just hug someone just kiss someone
The best is yet to come
最好的尚未來臨

Thank you at17...
For going through the tough times with me and help heal my wounds...

God and His relation with Film

2005-09-29T14:27:00.000-04:00

One of my friend who is taking a class in art and Christianity asked me one night while i was driving her back home,
"What do you think is the relationship between God and film??"
"Um... i guess God is the director and he is the creative control of everything that happens in our lives...
the screenwriter, all the story plots, how the character develops, it is all under his plans,
Also the producer, controls all the budget that is avail. in this "film"...
Well.. the rest of the production crew, you pick them up along the way, who are our friends, co-workers, partner, enemy..."
(I did not give her this answer at that time, only the director part, the rest are just add ons just now..)

After that night, this question is still on my mind and think that there is something that should in a deeper level...
on the tip of my tongue and just can't get it out...
and to think or call myself a movie lover...

So i had to ask for help...
since i do have the honor to drive Joey in and out from her friend's house, and also work on the fundraising video with her day and nite.. i can get lots of advice from her...
just to intro her abit.. Joey is someone from HK breakthrough who is on vacation here for a month...she is very friendly and funny, but also very knowledgeable and deep yet humble at the same time...
learnt a lot from her...

When i asked her this same question...
she shoot another question back at me...
"What is the most important element in a film??"

I thought about it for a while and said,
"I think it is the director and his passion with the story...
the director needs to be touched by the film's story himself first,
before he can make the audience feel the emotions of the characters..
and the director needs to believe in the msg that he is telling,
because it is really hard to make a film, tough work,
if the director don't believe in it..
he will give up easily and can't lead the rest of the team to complete the project..."

Joey thought about it for a while and responded,
"That's true too...haha..
but i didn't expect it to be that deep of a level..
just what is the most necessary thing that you need to doing a shoot...
.....
.....
it is LIGHT...
You cannot do anything without light...
because light is the most basic thing that is needed to print the picture onto the film stock..
without light, nothing can be done...
and GOD IS LIGHT...
without God, nothing can be done..."

Then i am like WOW...
"That's right, how can i forget the most basic and important and obvious thing there is...
and just like we forget about God all the time...
depending on our talent or skills...
but without God...
what we do is meaningless..."

Thoughts on 927 fundraising

2005-09-29T13:48:00.000-04:00

The fundraising is over...and had some thoughts and reflections on it after...
i was suppose to lead the video team in the fundraising video..
because the time is so limited, just 2 wks time, need to edit together a 5 min video with like 10 tapes of material...
and with the film fest going on.. just don't know how to do it...

at first i really have no idea how to begin..
cause i was just depending on my ideas and think that it is an easy job.. no problem..
but then i realized how limited i was...
because there are interviews of 5 volunteers, 2 pair of parents...
just too much footage...too fragmented..too little screen time...
was totally frustrated...

then the J4 and Eugenie had meeting and had done some interviews in Parcific mall with youths..
the video flow begins to come out...
and because this is a fundraising video...
needs to be touching and have tears in it..
so more tears.. more chq writing...
we calculated carefully which parts will be the most touching..
how we lost our best friends, how parents all moved back to HK, living alone here, with no one to celebrate with for holidays..
the music are all enchanting the effect...
i thought.. hey it is going to be great.. the most touching video we can do in this limited time...

then on the fundraising nite..
everything was great...
the speakers are really touching...
and the video played..
and what happened??
the voice for the most important parts.. the parts where it should be the most touching...
is gone.. just have the video images and no sound.. and only those parts...
which was tested before the actual show...and everything was fine.....

I was really unhappy and disappointed..
because the video is incomplete...
and it is one of my great piece of work yet.. and it is ruined...
but what can we do about it.. it is over...

Then last nite.. at Joey's farewell dinner..
she said that the tech problem of the video...may have some meaning...
we calculated all the parts that are touching..
but have to remember..
that it is not our work that touched ppl...
it is God who touches ppl...
we depends too much on ourselves and what we say....
but it is God who do all the work...

I guess i can see God's presence everytime had to do a video for an event...
like the City Mosaic video..the Refeel event.. and the 927 fundraising video..
it is everytime that we need to print it to a DV tape that it doesn't work..
and needs to have prayers to support the "tech" side of the computer that it comes out..

maybe it is a way to remind me again and again of His presence...